I asked my children to rattle off to me their happiest memories. Among their answers were family trips to amusement parks and attractions, lying under the stars and watching for meteors, outdoor movies, swimming at a waterpark, and seeing the ocean for the first time. They didn’t mention one single toy, which is exactly what I was hoping for as I was wanting to prove the point to my 8 year old son that it is experiences, not things, that bring us the most joy.
Science is on my side. Dr. Thomas Gilovich, a psychology professor at Cornell University, has been studying the question of money and happiness for over twenty years. He says “One of the enemies of happiness is adaptation. We buy things to make us happy, and we succeed. But only for a while. New things are exciting to us at first, but then we adapt to them.” I can absolutely see this with my children who, even after anticipating a new toy for weeks and finally gets it, becomes bored with it quickly and is looking for the next toy he wants to buy. It is an endless cycle of want-buy-boredom that you’ve probably seen in your own kids. How many “I so need this” items have you ended up selling or donating because it turns out that they didn’t really need it at all?
“Our experiences are a bigger part of ourselves than our material goods,” says Gilovich. “You can really like your material stuff. You can even think that part of your identity is connected to those things, but nonetheless they remain separate from you. In contrast, your experiences really are a part of you. We are the sum total of our experiences.”
What we experience together connects us. It builds our family units and become treasured memories far more than any toy or gadget. Children are going to feel more connected with someone they took a vacation to Legoland with than someone who bought them a Lego, for example.
In her post, Simplifying Childhood May Protect Against Mental Health Issues, Tracy Gillet says, “We’ve become more sophisticated and entered a unique period in which, rather than struggling to provide enough parents are unable to resist providing too much. In doing so, we’re unknowingly creating an environment in which mental health issues flourish.” Gillet wasn’t just speaking of too many toys in this piece, she was referring to too much everything – information, activities, things. But there is a link between too much material possession and depression. Clutter has negative effects on our brains, including our children’s growing brains.
Studies show that children who have fewer toys actually play more than children with a lot of toys. Claire Lerner, a childhood development researcher with Zero to Three, says, “Our studies show that giving children too many toys, or the wrong types, can actually be doing them harm. They get overwhelmed and cannot concentrate on any one thing long enough to learn from it.” Limiting toys allows for depth of play as well as boosts creativity as your child finds new ways to play with what he has. In addition, with fewer toys and less overwhelm, you’re likely to see fewer meltdowns and sibling squabbles as well.
Even with all of this evidence in favor of experiences over toys, it may still be difficult to get rid of all the stuff you spent your hard-earned money on. Consider a toy rotation as a solution. Keep out a few toys and put the rest in bins and store them away. Periodically exchange the toys out, putting out different toys.
In the end, your child’s best memories aren’t going to be of the cool toys you bought them but of the time you spent together enjoying one another’s company. True happiness comes not getting what we want but from wanting what we have and in being in close relationships. Gilovich says, “We consume experiences with other people, and after they’re gone, they’re part of the stories we tell to one another.” If you want to be in your children’s stories tomorrow, share experiences with them today.