Often a go-to for all behavioral problems, punishment is an extremely common method of behavior modification, but is it really the best way to help kids do better?
Here are just three reasons to stop punishing kids and three ways to help them behave better without punishment:
1. Punishment adds to the frustration children are already feeling which causes more acting out, not less. Children who are purposefully misbehaving are communicating that something doesn’t feel right internally. Very often, they are experiencing frustration in their lives that they simply do not have the resources to deal with. Frustration is at the root of aggression problems in children, so it only makes sense that adding more frustration would fuel more aggression. Even if the problem is not aggressive behavior, when you punish children, you run the risk of causing aggression in the future because of the level of frustration it causes.
2. Maturation cannot be punished into a brain. Often what we perceive as “misbehavior” is developmentally appropriate behavior that is annoying to adults. Behavior such as throwing food, refusing to sleep, whining, and tantrums aren’t calculative attempts from toddlers to test boundaries and frustrate parents but the result of an underdeveloped brain. There is no amount of punishment that will make the brain develop quicker, and in fact, some punishments have negative effects on the growing brain.
3. Punishment fails to teach children what they can do. When a child is put in time-out for hitting a sibling, they may (or may not) understand that hitting is something they’re not supposed to do. However, just sitting there alone doesn’t help him learn how to regulate the emotions that caused him to attack in the first place and it doesn’t equip him with positive tools he can use the next time he experiences those emotions. Grounding a child for a bad grade tells him you’re displeased with his grade but it doesn’t give him study skills. Only when we teach children what to do and equip them with useful
skills can we truly expect to see positive behavior change, and that teaching can always come without a punishment.
Three Ways to Help Kids Behave Better Without Punishment
1. Get to the root of the emotional issue. When we listen to what the behavior is communicating rather than quickly punishing that behavior, we can help get to the root of what’s causing the problem and heal it. There aren’t behaviors that need punished. There are problems that need solving and hearts that need healing. Behavior is communication. Are you listening?
2. Step in as the “mature brain” until their brain matures. That means you set the boundaries that they aren’t capable yet of setting for themselves but do so with the understanding that this isn’t naughtiness but immaturity. When a child bites another child, you remove her from the situation and state the limit on that behavior. In a mature brain, her prefrontal cortex would be able to step in and say “don’t bite,” but because she doesn’t yet have the cognitive resources to control her impulses, you simply stop her from biting. It’s the same as limiting cookies and setting an early bedtime – until they are mature enough to do these things for themselves, it is our responsibility to help them. Consistent time-outs will not mature a child faster.
3. Problem-solving is the “what to do” part of the equation that punishment misses. When they are very young, under the age of 5, we do the problem-solving for them but we can talk through it to model this behavior. “You yelled at mommy. I understand you are upset, but I don’t like to be yelled at. When you feel mad, you can take 3 big elephant breaths, like this. You do it.” As they get older and their brains develop more, we involve them in the problem-solving process and encourage them to come up with solutions. “You failed the last two tests and your grade dropped significantly. Do you know why this happened? Are you distracted at school? Is there something you need to talk about? Can you think of a solution that will help you understand the material or study better?” Helping kids make amends with those whom they hurt, repair or replace things they break, learn positive communication and conflict resolution skills, and become emotionally intelligent will help them far, far more in life than losing electronic devices for a week.