I recently surveyed a group of over 7,000 parents and asked which of their children's behaviors grated on their nerves the most. In this 5-part series, I will discuss these 5 troublesome behaviors individually and offer positive parenting tips to manage them. I will begin at number 5 and work my way up to the behavior most parents deem the worst. The fifth behavior that causes parents to lose their cool is back talking.
The way parents handle back talk in early childhood sets the stage for whether or not this will be a recurring problem when the child is older. All children will occasionally challenge their parents, but by having a respectful and connected relationship, you greatly reduce your chances of this turning into a chronic behavior problem.
It's important to note that, in early childhood, children are only beginning to learn to separate from their parents and assert themselves. What many parents consider as back talk can be understood as the child's need for autonomy. Positive parents respect this child's need and teach him appropriate, respectful ways to communicate.
The most important thing we can do first and foremost is to set a good example. This means we model respect in our interactions with our children. If we are prone to yelling, they will be as well. If we choose to ignore their requests without explanation, they will learn to ignore ours. We must set the example for how to communicate respectfully.
Related Article: Why We Yell and How to Stop
When your requests are non-negotiable, word them as statements, not questions.
Young children think in literal terms, so if you ask, "will you put away your toys," the child will interpret it to mean there is a choice. Instead, try "put your toys away now, please." If your request is met with "no" or "I don't feel like it," remember she's asserting herself and learning to voice her opinion. This doesn't mean you take no for an answer and pick up her toys for her, but it means you understand it isn't about defying you so that this doesn't trigger anger. You can make a game of beat the timer for young children or use when/then statements such as, "When your toys are picked up, then you can go outside to play."
For times when your child keeps arguing with you about a limit you have set, do not bicker back and forth. Acknowledge what your child is wanting, validate his feelings, explain your reasoning once, and then use a short and respectful statement to disengage from the argument, such as "I've already answered that" or "I won't be arguing about this." If you're experiencing hurtful or rude comments from your child, such as "I hate you" or "you're stupid," understand what she's really saying is "I'm upset and don't know how to handle this."
All feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors, so let your child know that you hear her and understand she is upset but that she needs to find another way to express it. You might say, "It's not OK to speak to me like that. I understand you're feeling upset, but speak in a way that doesn't attack me. If you can't do that right now, take a break and come back when you're ready to."
Don't blow it up or show strong reaction. Over time, with proper teaching and understanding, she'll learn how to identify those feelings and express them appropriately.
Remember the 2 keys in handling back talk:
1. Listen to what is behind the words to what is really motivating this child so you can take the personalization out of it so that it doesn't trigger feelings of anger and disrespect.
2. Empathizing, which shows the child that you listen and care about what he feels and wants (a behavior you'll want him to pick up), while holding your limit will dissipate the power struggle.
While it is critical to support your child through a tantrum, it's important not to change your position if that is what triggered the outpouring of emotion. Giving in to her desires will teach the child that your limits are negotiable. Hold the limit while showing empathy for your child's feelings.
Concerning older children whose prefrontal cortices are developed (though not fully mature, this happens around age 4), it is still important to empathize while holding your limit as this sends the message "I hear you, and you matter." The simple act of not giving in to the demands prompting the tantrum will soon teach the child that behavior won't work to get what he wants.
If a school aged child tantrums in a way that is aggressive " hitting, kicking, or throwing things " this is a clue that the child needs emotions coaching, not punishment. During the tantrum, ensure everyone's safety. That may mean putting distance between the aggressive child and other family members.
You might say, "I see you are very angry. I won't let you hit. Take some time to calm down in your cool down zone."
Once the storm has passed, address the aggressive behaviors. Explain that his feelings are acceptable but his actions are not. Teach him how to manage his frustration and anger with techniques such as deep breathing, counting, going for a walk, or clapping to release energy. Punishing children for tantrums won't help them learn how to manage them. Until we give children better tools to deal with tough emotions, we can't expect them to do better.
Here are the other posts in the "Top 5 Behaviors That Cause Parents to Lose Their Cool" Series: