“How was school today?”

As parents, we ask our kids this question every day. Depending on their personality, they might respond with nothing more than “fine” and maybe a sigh.

We ask this question to start a conversation with our kids so we can learn about the ins and outs and ups and downs of their day. But on most days, getting more than a bland response out of this generic question is probably not going to happen.

So how can we, as parents, really know how our kids are doing emotionally and socially if they won’t talk? And what questions should we ask to strengthen our connection with our children while they are growing up and becoming more independent?

Listening and Asking the Right Questions

One parent was concerned about her daughter, Carolyn, who was in fifth grade. Carolyn had a bright, bubbly personality at school and many friends. But when Carolyn came home from school, she would transform into a melancholy clump slumped in a chair.

I encouraged Carolyn’s mom to dig a little deeper than the one-size-fits-all “how was your day” question. When she did, she found out that Carolyn naturally had a lot of empathy and felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. She was bearing the burden of all her friends’ problems.

Now instead of asking only about Carolyn’s day and wondering why she wasn’t happy, her mom knew that she needed to ask Carolyn about her friends, too. Carolyn needed to unburden herself from the day.

Appreciating Your Children’s Natural Talents 

When asking your children about their day — even if it’s a quick conversation in the car, at dinner, or bedtime — knowing their unique talents will help you guide the discussion into deeper territory. Get your kids talking, and show them that you listen and appreciate them for who they are.

Tips and conversation jump starters on page 2...

Jump-start the conversation by asking your kids these 10 questions aimed at what they naturally do best:

1. For kids who are energetic self-starters, ask what they accomplished that day or week. It can be an activity with friends, a class project, or some other responsibility.

Jump-Start Question: What is the best compliment you received today, and what was it for?

2. For children who show empathy and want to make a difference, ask them how they helped someone that day or how they showed someone they cared.

Jump-Start Question: What is one way you were a good friend today?

3. Ask children who like to compete — and win — if they won any classroom challenges or if they scored the highest on a quiz.

Jump-Start Question: What did you do more of or better than someone else today?

4. For kids with high self-confidence, ask them if they are trying new things, like joining clubs or groups at school.

Jump-Start Question: What were you most proud of today? What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

5. If your kids are responsible and trustworthy, ask them how they’re a good example to younger kids.

Jump-Start Question: What is your favorite job to do at school? Who counts on you to get it done?

6. For children who are thinkers, who love to learn and have lots of questions, ask them if they have a favorite new idea and what they want to learn.

Jump-Start Question: What are you studying now? What are all the details?

7. Ask kids who dream about the possibilities of the future what they see themselves doing next year or five years from now.

Jump-Start Question: What did you do today that helped you learn more about the future?

8. For kids who are planners and who enjoy perfection and details, ask if they helped a friend or teacher stay organized.

Jump-Start Question: Did things go as planned today? If something didn’t go as planned, what did you learn from it?

9. Are your kids natural leaders or charismatic entertainers? Ask if they have a favorite person they like to watch or listen to and what they like about that person’s performance.

Jump-Start Question: Did you make anyone laugh today? What did you say or do that was funny?

10. If you have kids who build long-lasting friendships or easily make friends, ask about what’s going on in their friends’ lives.

Jump-Start Question: Did you make any new friends today? How many friends do you have at school?

Taking small moments to connect individually with your children will show them that you enjoy their unique qualities. Listen to your kids’ stories about school, activities and friends. And make sure to really listen. You will gain insights into their world, and they really will enjoy telling you about their day.