Knowing how to make small talk ranked as one of the most important skills in retaining and getting a job in a recent study. Not to mention that many colleges interview their candidates as well. And with many private schools vetting their candidates as early as kindergarten, good conversational skills is proving to come in handy at a much earlier age than we thought.
Earlier still, a child who knows how to converse would more readily make friends, adjust to his new surroundings quicker, express himself clearer, and land himself in situations where he can lead. You could say success begins with the art of conversation.
Today’s kids, however, face unprecedented challenges, thanks in large part to the bombardment of social media and the new condensed speak of 140 characters or less. The opportunities to develop good speaking skills may be diminishing but they still bound. And with a little conscious effort from parents, kids can develop this essential life skill and position themselves light years ahead of their peers. Here are some tips.
1. Make eye contact. When your child speaks to you, try to make eye contact with her, which may require stopping what you’re doing. It’s not enough to let your child speak into the ethereal while you go about your busy routine, but demand she make eye contact with whomever speaks to her. As nonsensical as it may seem, she needs to be taught how to make eye contact. Studies show that while not making eye contact communicates lack of self-confidence, staring continually for more than 3 seconds is interpreted as aggressive. Knowing how to make eye contact is a subtle art form. Unlike long division, however, it’s relatively easy to teach. It just requires your undivided attention from time to time.
2. Listen without interrupting. If you make eye contact with your child when he speaks to you, you’re already half way there to really listening because eye contact forces you to be present. Being present leads to another integral party of good listening: empathy. It’s one thing to hear what your child says and quite another to take the time to validate his feelings and opinions without waving them off as trivial. You can further reinforce good listening skills by teaching your child the value and advantages that come with being a good listener. Good listeners are known not only as empathetic people but peacemakers as well. As a result, good listeners always have a plethora of friends.
3. Teach manners. Knowing how to say please, raising your hand, and waiting your turn to speak can go a long way.
4. Let your child speak to grownups directly. Kids may feel comfortable talking to their peers, but encourage them also to speak up at doctor’s visits, parties and other social settings so they become empowered to speak without feeling intimidated. And as far as it can be helped, don’t do the asking or speaking for him, pending he is old enough to understand stranger danger. If your child thinks the coach was unfair, for instance, encourage him to make the first attempt to plead his case. In other words, don’t be quick to rescue your child. Knowing how to solve problems through good communication is an indispensable life skill.
5. Ask questions that require more than one-word answers. One complaint a recent college interviewer told me was the inability of college applicants to give more than one-word answers. Even many 18-year-olds couldn’t elaborate why a certain book was their favorite or why they felt passionate about an activity. She recommended engaging kids by asking ‘why’ and ‘how’ on a daily basis.
6. Share your own stories with your child. Talk to your child as you would a friend or cohort and share something about your day. And not just in preschool lingo either. Your child would be much more interested in why you think you did a good job at work or why you didn’t like the way someone spoke to you, than the color of a shirt your coworker was wearing. Revealing vulnerabilities will engage your child and turn her into empathetic human beings. Try to create communal settings that encourage conversation, like at the dinner table.
7. Encourage your child to tell his own stories. There are many facets of good conversation. A Q&A is one thing and the skill of a raconteur quite another. Knowing how to tell a story from beginning to end requires an impressive array of skills, which includes sequencing, comprehension and tonality. This can be a fun activity. Remember, kids love to tell stories over a campfire or over milk and cookies.
8. Write in a journal. One of the main reasons why kids have a hard time giving more than simple one-word answers is because they haven’t really thought about what they’ve been asked. Since writing requires more rumination than speaking, developing the habit of writing in a journal is a great skill that can translate to good conversational skills.