Connection-Based Discipline

In my previous article, Why Connection is the Parenting Key, I discussed the separate roles of the upstairs and downstairs brain. We know now that children learn best when they feel calm and connected. We understand that upset, out of control children have little to no access to the part of their brain that houses logic, reasoning, and sequential thought. They simply cannot “think about what they did wrong” when they're locked in their downstairs brain. Therefore, shaming, isolating, punishing, spanking, and yelling only serve to keep them locked downstairs.

To help them learn the lessons we want to teach, we must first engage the upstairs brain, and we do that through connection. This simply means we meet them where they are and let them know that we hear their frustration and understand their feelings.

But won't this reward the misbehavior?

The answer is no, and here's why. If your child has a tantrum over a cookie, and you empathize with her feelings and then give her the cookie, the cookie is the reward. If your child has a tantrum over a cookie and you empathize with her feelings but don't give her the cookie, she learns boundaries yet feels understood and valued. Spoiling occurs when there are no boundaries.

I love what the book No-Drama Discipline says about this. “Connection is about walking through the hard times with our children and being there for them when they're emotionally suffering, just like we would if they scraped their knee and were physically suffering.” Connecting has nothing to do with indulging, coddling, or spoiling children. Connection doesn't give in. Connection understands. Connection doesn't coddle. Connection listens. The boundary still stands.

Check out the steps to discipline with connection in mind on the next page.

Here are some steps to discipline with connection in mind.

1. Calm yourself first.

You can't help your child reach her upstairs brain until you've reached yours. Reacting angrily will only set up a negative pattern.

2. Empathize and connect to calm your child.

“I hear that you are upset.” “It's hard not getting something you really want.” “That must have really been frustrating for you.” Step into their shoes and see the situation from their perspective.

3. Once the upstairs brain is reached, work on problem solving.

Rather than dish out a punishment, teach your child to think of a solution. The following phrases are helpful to get the ball rolling. “How are you going to fix this?” “We have a problem. Can you think of way to solve it?” Younger children need more help through this process than older children, but rather than take the responsibility of their actions upon yourself by deciding an appropriate punishment, put the responsibility where it belongs, with them, and let them fix it.

Look for solutions rather than punishments. Children need to learn how to fix their mistakes, not just pay for them.

4. Reconnection.

Sometimes in the problem-solving process, your child is still going to be upset with the outcome. Maybe he has to work to pay for damages, and he's not going to be super happy about that. Even though coming up with their own solutions makes kids responsible and also more likely to feel good about doing it in the end, they certainly aren't always going to like it.

Reconnection means recognizing your child for doing the responsible thing, letting him know that you believe in him to fix his mistakes and make good choices, and moving forward with no bad feelings between the two of you.

The end goal of discipline is to teach the child how to better manage his behavior and how to correct his mistakes. He'll reach this goal more quickly when he's feeling connected, and his upstairs brain will one day thank you.