When you think back to your childhood, where do your happiest memories lie? Was it in the grand vacations and rare events or did joy show up most often in the everyday routines? When I think back to my own youth, the summer vacations to the amusement parks and over-the-top Christmas celebrations do stand out in my mind, but the grandiose doesn’t take up the biggest places in my heart. It was small things – fishing at the lake on a hot summer’s day, playing Scrabble at the table, gathering over mashed potatoes and baked chicken – that made me feel connected. It was the ordinary, regular occurrences that made us feel like family.
We live in a culture that exalts the grandiose. If you’re not shelling out thousands at Disney Land and throwing Pinterest-worthy birthday parties, it might feel like you’re not doing it right. The truth is that it’s the everyday habits you keep that your children will hold most dear. It’s during the moments when you choose to be fully present and engaged with the people in front of you, laughing, listening, loving, that connection builds and the feeling of “family” sinks into the hearts of your loved ones.
I understand that we live in a busy and buzzing world, but it doesn’t take a lot of time to connect deeply with our children. In just a few minutes at a time, several times throughout the day, we can bring our focus onto them and fill their cups with positive attention and affirmation. Here are four daily habits you can begin now to build strong connections and a warm sense of family.
Start the Day with a Morning Blessing
Mornings can be a real hassle. Trying to get everyone up and out the door on time is often a stressful time for families, and connection is generally the last thing we are thinking about during this “rush hour.” Our adult minds are focused on the dozens of things we must accomplish in the next 12 hours, and our children are often tired, grumpy, or preoccupied with their own thoughts on the day ahead. Taking two or three minutes of the morning to focus on our child’s face and say something positive can really have a big impact. “Good morning, my love! Seeing your sweet face makes me happy” is a thoughtful way to greet a child into their day. Remember “Triple A to start the day.” That stands for attention, affection, and affirmation. Aim to give them your full attention for at least a couple of minutes, offer a hug or high five, and say something positive about them. Making this a daily habit starts each day off on the right foot and will likely lead to a less chaotic morning with a more cooperative kid.
Afternoon or After School Gathering
Children often get home from school and scatter in different directions. Even if you homeschool or your children are still very young, creating an afternoon or after school gathering provides another connection point in your day. Some ideas for this gathering include tea time, a spread of fruits with dip or cheese and crackers, a round of Uno, or my favorite - reading aloud a chapter from a great book. This only takes a few minutes, but when we make time to touch base, we will reap the rewards of better relationships. If afternoon is not doable, this can easily be adjusted to an after-dinner or before-bath gathering. The time on the clock is not important. It’s the time spent that matters.
A Meal at the Table
When my children were very little and my husband worked odd shifts, we never ate together. I would snack through the day, my kids would eat dinner in the playroom, and my husband just ate whenever he got home. So, I certainly understand that dinner at the table every single night is not suitable for all families. Perhaps an early morning breakfast together is more doable, or even a late evening dessert-only meeting in the kitchen works best. Whatever works for you and your family is fine! Some researchers suggest that the benefits from family meals are many, including healthier eating for kids, improved psychological well-being, greater academic achievement, and even less delinquency! (Source) We don’t need studies to tell us that gathering together for conservation and good food is meaningful though, do we? If it’s not already on your priority list, it’s a great time to start this connection-building habit.
One-on-one Time at Bedtime
Bedtime is a great opportunity to connect with your child and to wrap up the day on a loving and positive note. I created this habit with the start of them attending school to build in some special time to hear about their days where they don’t have to talk over each other or be interrupted. I initially set it at 10 minutes per child but we often talk beyond that because children really do open up their hearts during this time. If they don’t have much to talk about, which is rare, I ask them three questions. “Tell me something good that happened today.” “Is there anything you’re worried about or want to ask?” “Is there anything you need from me right now?”
I know that by this time of night, most of us are ready to be done with the day. We might even develop a tendency to rush through the bedtime routine to get to that ever so elusive “me time.” Truly though, these few minutes spent connecting heart-to-heart with your kids is worth it.