It’s normal to get frustrated with your children, but the way you express that frustration could affect your child’s health and will certainly affect your relationship. Research has found that yelling at children has an even bigger impact than we previously thought. One study on parent-child relationships showed that 13 year olds who were shouted at by their parents had increased levels of bad behavior over the following year. Yelling also has negative effects on brain development. Data shows that children who have received parental verbal abuse have a physical difference in the parts of the brain responsible for processing language and sounds. There is also a link between being yelled at and depression for years to come.
As if those aren’t reasons enough, we know that children are mirrors, and they reflect the care they receive and the behaviors they witness. Furthermore, it’s not exactly healthy for us to be losing our cool and shouting frequently either. So why are parents yelling? Likely, it’s because your normal speaking voice doesn’t get a response, right? You’ve asked nicely several times and you’re being ignored, but when you yell, they move! So you get to release the built up frustration which makes you temporarily feel better and you get the positive reinforcement of the desired outcome – they finally listened! Together, these make it more likely for you to yell again. So, here are a few ways to gain your child’s cooperation so that you don’t feel you have to resort to yelling.
1. Put your focus on the relationship. Everyone is busy these days, and sometimes we operate on autopilot and check off the boxes for the day without much intention. Days can go by without any meaningful connection points or conversation. It’s also easy to get trapped in the cycle of dwindling your interactions down to little more than demanding and directing. “Get your shoes on.” “Do your homework.” “Brush your teeth.” “Go to bed.” Stuff gets done, but there’s not a lot of warmth! This can lead to a disconnection in the parent-child relationship. When children feel disconnected, they are less cooperative. If you want increased cooperation with your kid, spend some quality time with him or her and offer positive, affirming words and a good listening ear.
2. Change your routines. A well-thought-out routine is going to make a big difference in cooperation and frustration levels because it allows your kids to fall into certain habits with repetition, it eases their frustration and anxiety because they know what’s coming next, and it allows you to purposefully sidestep some of the triggers you know your family struggles with. For example, if you know that you often end up yelling in the morning trying to get everyone out the door, you can create a routine that ensures everything is laid out the night before, backpacks and coats are near the door, shoes in the right place, and a visual chart to help your kids along is hanging in their room or on the refrigerator. They know what they need to do and they’ve got ample time to do it. It takes discipline to create a good routine and stick with it through those first bumpy days or weeks when it’s new and difficult and most people give up, but if you can see it through, it will help you and your kids.
3. Learn to manage your reactions. No matter how connected your relationship and how great your routines, life is never perfect and frustrations will arise. That’s why you need a good anger plan to manage your strong emotions and reactions. The initial flood of chemicals that happens when you get angry doesn’t last very long. If you can breathe through that and control your thoughts during those first few seconds, the anger will dissipate very quickly. Of course, this takes practice and determination because there’s a battle going on between your cortex and amygdala (the amygdala setting off an alarm and the cortex trying to be rational) and your thoughts are going to determine which one wins out. Those first few seconds is where the fight against a negative reaction is won. Don’t allow thoughts that fuel the fire to run rampant in your mind. Instead, replace it with a calming mantra such as “This is not an emergency, we’re ok” or “I can handle this, no big deal.” Take deep breaths while you repeat this and wait for the surge of adrenaline to subside. It’s not easy at first, but you can master your anger and be a calm parent.