“How was your day?” 

“Fine.”

“What would you like to do?”

“Whatever.”

If you’re raising a teenager, you’re likely all too familiar with one-word answers and shrugs. Perhaps this is life’s little payback for the days we wished they would just hush for five minutes as preschoolers. Now we wish they’d talk for five minutes, but getting your teen to open up can be like bathing a cat - it’s hard! However, it’s more important than ever to stay connected with them and to know what’s going on in their lives. Fortunately, a brand new study out of the University of Reading may shed some light on this topic.

In the study, researchers asked 1001 teenagers aged 13-16 to watch staged conversations between a parent and a teenager about a difficult situation. The parent adopted different body language and listening behaviors in different versions of the conversation. In the versions where the parent was visibly attentive to the teen, the participants said they would have felt better about themselves and would have been more likely to open up than they would in the scenarios where the parent was inattentive, distracted, and not using eye contact.

Dr Netta Weinstein, associate professor in clinical and social psychology at the University of Reading, who co-led the study, said:

"We all know that listening to someone talk about their problems is an effective way of reassuring them and establishing a connection. However, until now there has been little thought given to the quality of that listening, and the difference that makes. This study shows that in parent-teenager relationships, quietly listening to a teenager while showing them they are valued and appreciated for their honesty has a powerful effect on their willingness to open up."

While it may seem like a simple solution, parents don’t necessarily use these positive listening skills when their teens want to discuss a situation or ask for something. We are often quick to jump to judgement, rescuing, criticism, or shutting down the request. Too many times, parents talk over their teens rather than practicing active listening, and this shuts down communication very quickly as teenagers have a profound need to be heard and understood. 

Before we move on to how to be an active listener that encourages your teen to open up, take a few moments to reflect on your own needs in your relationships. What helps you to feel seen and heard? What makes you feel like the other person truly cares about what you have to say? What makes you feel ignored or belittled? Think of someone whom you always feel comfortable sharing with, someone who makes you feel better after talking with them. What do they do?

Now think of someone who often makes you feel worse. Someone who leaves you feeling defensive, hurt, or unworthy. How do they communicate with you? What do they say or do that leaves you feeling this way? Do they shame, criticize, or judge you? Do they make you feel invalidated by telling you it’s not that bad, get over it, or you’re overreacting?

Your teen’s needs aren’t so different from your own in terms of feeling heard and supported. You can disagree with your teen’s behavior but still empathize with their feelings. You can deny a request but still give them the respect of hearing them out. These are active listening skills that make your teen more likely to open up to you. The study mentioned above showed that engaged listening skills such as eye contact, head nodding, and using key words to praise openness helps teens feel more comfortable talking to you. Here are the 3 A’s of active listening.

  1. Attitude. It is important to have the attitude that your teen deserves the respect of being listened to. Just as you immediately know when your teen “has an attitude,” your teen can quickly determine yours as well. If your attitude isn’t open, warm, inviting, and respectful, your teen will shut down. Approach the conversation with a relaxed and open attitude, and your teen is more likely to open up to you.
  2. Attention. There are several ways to show your teen that you are paying attention, including your body language, eye contact, and head nodding. Saying phrases like “yes, go on” or “I understand, continue” will encourage your teen to keep sharing. You can also repeat back what you heard to show that you are understanding the situation correctly.
  3. Adjustment. This means you are able to go with the flow of the conversation and adapt to what the speaker is saying. Many times, we start to assume that we know where the conversation is doing and what the point will be so we interrupt or tune out, and active listening requires us to stay with the speaker, continue listening attentively, adjust our mannerisms to the changing conversation, and see it through to its end.

If you’re having trouble getting your teen to open up that first time so that you can show them your improved listening skills, concentrate on improving the relationship first through quality time, laughter, and connecting activities such as family outings. When your teen feels close and connected, she will start to talk, and when you show her how well you listen when she does, she’ll continue to do so.