Why do some kids thrive amidst challenging conditions at home? In the book Coming of Age in the Other America, researchers Stefanie DeLuca, Susan Clampet-Lundquist, and Kathryn Edin found that one of the reasons some kids pushed past their circumstances and managed to graduate high school and college was something called an identity project, a hobby or passion some are lucky enough to have found and get immersed in.
What the finding suggests is that having a purpose, mission or inspiration helps us succeed and overcome obstacles. So what can we do – or not do - as parents to help our kids discover their passions and nurture them? The tips we’ve pulled from expert insights surprisingly consist of doing less not more.
Keep it light.
As parents we all feel pressure to raise successful kids, but putting too much pressure on your child to be the best can mean missed opportunities. Nowhere is this more apparent than in sports. Why do 70 percent of kids quit organized sports by the time they’re 13 years old, just around the age when they can benefit from sports the most? According to a poll from the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the competitive and selective nature of sports has left kids feeing like “it’s not fun anymore.”
Be sensitive to whether or not your well-intentioned hovering might be suffocating your child, choking the growth of a passion from taking root. A pressure-less exploration is the best way to uncover a passion. Putting too much pressure on your child can even make them quit an already discovered passion. The balance between enough support and not too much pressure is a tough one. But you can keep parental pressure in check by asking this question: What do you value more, your child’s journey or the outcome he may produce?
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Don’t impose your passions onto your children.
Don’t impose your passions onto your children.
Every parent, perhaps with the exception of Warren Buffet, has unfulfilled dreams. As tempting as it is to have those ambitions fulfilled through your child, it’s critical not to impose your own dreams onto your child, who will likely only end up resenting you. Rather than expecting them to follow your template, seek to understand who they are and what makes them tick.
The only way to get to know your child is to get to know your child. So shut off your phone from time to time (or at least put it on silent), and engage in mindful parenting.
Stop thinking about finding your child’s passion.
And start thinking about following opportunity passionately. Don’t be afraid to expose your child to things he may not like or be good at. A child’s brain is uniquely primed for learning—it doesn’t have to be forced. Kids don’t have to be the best at something to have fun, which is an important lesson to learn. Like happiness, finding a passion is often a byproduct and seldom results from making it the goal.
So teach your child to practice when he isn’t inspired, to try new things when it’s scary, and to accept failure as a necessary part of learning. Just as it’s more powerful to know how to learn than what you learn, it’s more important to learn how to pursue a passion than finding it.