Raising a secure child amidst so much uncertainty might seem like a formidable task. But security is not the same thing as predictability, which is something parents can’t provide. What children need, and what parents can provide, is something called a secure attachment with a primary caregiver, according to Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper and Bert Powell in their book, “Raising a Secure Child.” 

Every child is born programmed to latch onto at least one individual they can rely on to understand and respond to their needs. It’s vital to the emotional, relational and even physical health of a child. What British psychologist John Bowlby noticed after World War II, was that children living in orphanages were miserable despite being warm, clothed and well-fed. Bowlby deduced the problem stemmed from the one thing they didn’t have – a primary caregiver. Since the children had no one to attach to emotionally, they lacked a reliable source of reassurance, encouragement and comfort.

Without this secure framework, a child would face challenges forming future secure relationships. Furthermore, the stress caused by lacking this fundamental need could even cause a child to be susceptible to more illnesses, memory loss and being overweight. 

So what exactly does secure attachment look like? Before you begin to feel the weight of the world on your already burdened shoulders, take comfort in knowing that it isn’t through perfect parenting. In fact, one of the best ways to raise a secure child is through the mistakes we make as parents.

Here are 5 ways to form a secure attachment with your child:

1. Comfort through empathy

Children feel secure when they are allowed to feel, even when those feelings don’t always feel good. Feeling sad, nervous or angry are natural emotions. But children can’t feel safe to feel if their parents or the primary caregiver are unaccepting of these emotions. Discomforts around certain emotions are usually passed on from parent to child. So it’s important to identify what emotions are uncomfortable to you.

If your son comes home crying because he was scared on his first day of school, don’t immediately try to whisk those tears away. Instead, acknowledge his fears with a sympathetic face, reassuring words and gentle contact. Words like, “Oh relax, you were just nervous,” could make your child feel invalidated. A much more beneficial response would be something like, “It sounds like you were nervous on your first day of school, which is completely understandable.”

2. Don’t overpraise

Parents often think the key to building security and confidence is overpraise, but research shows otherwise. A study by developmental psychologist Eddie Brummelman at Ohio State University showed that children with low self-esteem were more likely to choose easier drawing tasks after receiving inflated statements of admiration. The logic behind the counter-intuitive consequence is that children sometimes interpret high praise as expectation, making them afraid of failure and disappointment. 

One simple way to counteract overpraise is to focus on a child’s efforts instead, because effort, unlike innate talent, is something a child can control. Compliments like, “You’re a genius,” or “You’re so smart,” don’t make a child feel secure in the long run. When you want to applaud your child for a job well done, try saying something like, “You really worked hard and it shows. Great job!”

3. Delight in her

It’s important to celebrate accomplishments with your child. But remember, she gains self-esteem when you delight in her, not just her achievements. Delighting in your child takes on many forms. Sometimes it just takes a smile across the room. 

But perhaps one of the best ways to delight in your child is by spending time with her doing activities she likes to do. Nothing says, ‘I like you,’ and ‘I find you interesting,’ like partaking in an activity your child is interested in. Sometimes the best quality time requires no words at all.

If your child loves to play basketball, withhold some of those urges to constantly coach her – and the need to constantly check your phone - and just enjoy the sport alongside her. This type of quality time will help your child feel secure about who she is more than a thousand words ever could.

4. Know when to provide support and when to provide autonomy

Imagine a child learning to climb the jungle gyms. There are many ways a parent can provide support for a child. Your instinct might be to help, but sometimes the best move is to let him be and encourage self-reliance. While other times, he may need you to hold her hand. Remember also that when a child asks for help, he’s often really asking to make a connection. How do you strike the right balance?  Sometimes it’s as simple as letting your child take the lead and following his cues. Let him tell you what he needs. Parents don’t always know best.

5. Use mistakes to help your child and your relationship

Every parent gets tired, stressed out and preoccupied, which means we don’t always respond appropriately. However, making a mistake can be a chance to improve the bond with your child, as long as you’re willing to fix it. In fact, fixing a mistake can be more beneficial than avoiding mistakes altogether. You could argue that a perfect parent would not prepare a child for future relationships when they meet someone who can’t meet their every need. So how do you address mistakes? 

First, acknowledge the need you neglected and apologize. If you raised your voice and sent your child to his room without fully listening to his story, go to his room, acknowledge the oversight, address the wrong, then end on a positive note like reading a story together. This will teach him that good things can follow the bad, and that even healthy relationships aren’t perfect.