Filtered.
Photoshopped.
Edited.
Fake.
Our children see the world in pictures, and none of the pictures are real.
From edited TikTok videos with special effects, to beautifully curated and edited squares on IG, to wildly filtered photos on SnapChat and highlight reels on Facebook, today’s youth spends much of their time emerged in a world that suspends reality, scrapping for likes and comments on their false portrayals of self while feeding dopamine hits to 400 of their closest friends.
The need for belonging is real, innate, and powerful. Early psychologists recognized the emotional need to be accepted into relationships with other people and to be part of a group. Abraham Maslow regarded belonging as the third most important in his hierarchy of needs, coming only behind the needs for sustenance and safety. John Bowlby recognized that this need was present at birth and that being accepted or not by our parents and caregivers had a lasting impact on attachment behaviors and wellbeing. Historically, we have satisfied our need for belonging through face-to-face interactions, but now, and particularly during this pandemic, we have increasingly relied on social media to meet this need.
Social connectedness is particularly important during adolescence as “adolescents who perceive a weaker sense of belonging among their peers are more likely to engage in maladaptive behaviors and experience negative emotions both concurrently and in the future.” (Source) Social connectedness contributes to levels of anxiety, loneliness, and depression as well as plays a role in the “cognitive representations that adolescents develop regarding who they are and their place in the world.” Therefore, it’s important to understand how these experiences are affected by social media.
Certainly social media can play both a positive and negative role in a teenager’s life. The research on this topic is still in its infancy, and results have been mixed. Some studies have reported that texting and social networking does help young people feel more connected to their peers which facilitates belonging while others have found that a sense of belonging is more likely to come from social networking for boys than it is for girls and can make adolescents more vulnerable to bullying and ostracism, which negatively impacts belonging. There is a lot we have left to learn about the impact of social media on the developing minds and self-images of our children and adolescents, but one thing is for certain - a thumbs up on Facebook isn’t enough to sustain them.
World-renowned researcher and author Brene Brown said, “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” How many adolescents are showing up as their authentic, imperfect selves? With the filtered, photoshopped, and edited representations, aren’t they still missing out on true belonging? Therefore, it’s crucial that we help our children develop two things: self-acceptance and true connections.
BUILDING SELF-ACCEPTANCE
The goal is for our children to not have to rely on peers to build their sense of self-worth. We can help them to grow their confidence in several ways so that they aren’t reliant upon social media clicks to feel good about themselves. We used to believe that the way to build a child’s confidence and self-acceptance was through lavish praise, but research has shown that loads of praise can backfire, leaving a child with lower self-esteem. Instead, here are three things you can do to help your child cultivate self-acceptance.
- Help them connect with something bigger than themselves. In her book, Kid Confidence, author Eileen Kennedy-Moor suggests that the key to confidence is to reduce self-focus and quiet the ego. She says this can be accomplished through mindfulness, flow (getting lost in something you enjoy), compassion (good deeds, helping others), and elevation (an emotion we feel when we observe the goodness in others).
- Give them responsibilities. One of the core components of self-esteem is competence. When kids feel like they are able to accomplish what they set their minds to, and when they feel they are making a positive contribution, their confidence grows. Give them opportunities to try new things and to master skills.
- Show unconditional positive regard. Humanist psychologist Carl Rogers believed that providing unconditional positive regard (accepting and loving someone no matter what) helps people become congruent (their self-image is a lot like their ideal self, or self-actualization).
MAKING TRUE CONNECTIONS
Face-to-face and heart-to-heart interactions are still the best way to fulfill the need for belonging. Hopefully we will see the other side of this pandemic soon, and face-to-face socializing will become easier, but we can accomplish this at home by family dinners at the table, game and movie nights, active listening, undivided attention, and deep conversations with our kids. We can help them connect with friends by offering to host sleepovers and parties, and we can encourage and support them in their sports and activities. We can limit screen time and increase our quality time, and most importantly, we can create a safe environment where they can show up as their true, authentic selves without fear or shame or worry.
You are home, so take your mask off (both literally and figuratively) and rest, because here you are loved and accepted always. I like you, not just your squares.
SOURCES