Due in large part to the work of Alfie Kohn, American philanthropist and author of 13 books, parents and teachers have begun to see the downfall of praise. Kohn gives 5 problems created by praise in his article, 5 Reasons to Stop Saying 'Good Job!' Here, he states that praise manipulates children in that we often use praise as a form of sugar-coated control to get children to comply with our wishes. For example, saying “good job” when the child cleans up the art supplies is not for the child's benefit, but for our own because we say it in the hopes that the verbal reward will make her want to clean them up again the next time. He says, “The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience.”
The second objection he states is that praise creates “praise junkies,” children who come to rely on our judgments of them rather than forming their own judgments. Thirdly, he argues that praise steals a child's pleasure because rather than take pride in her own work based upon her own judgment that it is good, she learns to only take pleasure when we give our approval. Fourth, Kohn says praise causes a child to lose interest. Once we stop praising the child's achievements, he will lose the desire to continue the activity. He states, “Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that’s often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise.” Lastly, he asserts that praise reduces achievement. He believes praise creates a pressure to “keep up the good work” that causes children to eventually stumble and achieve less.
I adore the work of Mr. Kohn, and I believe he makes some very good points which are certainly worth consideration. I fear, however, that we may go too far in the other direction, fearing to offer any support or encouragement to children whatsoever. Even though Mr. Kohn does state that children DO need unconditional support with no strings attached, I wonder if perhaps that part of his message is getting lost. I'd like to bring it to light with these parenting tips.
Real appreciation and encouragement are different from praise. Rather than offering a “good job” for picking up their toys, genuinely acknowledge that the action was helpful. This real appreciation isn't a scheme to manipulate the child into picking up her toys again, but rather acknowledgment and gratitude expressed without conditions.
What's the difference? Here are some examples of empty praise versus genuine encouragement:
- Praise: “Good job picking up.”
- Encouragement: “I noticed you placed your toys back in the bin. That was helpful. Thank you.”
- Praise: “Wow! You're an amazing artist!”
- Encouragement: “I see you put a lot of work into your painting. The way you painted this bird purple makes it really pop out. What do you think?”
- Praise: “Great job on this report card!”
- Encouragement: “You clearly put in a lot of work this semester. I appreciate your efforts at school. How does this report card make you feel?”
The goal is two-fold, in my opinion. One – we want children to be capable of feeling good about themselves and their achievements without someone having to give outside approval for that to happen. So, teaching children to think and evaluate for themselves and do what feels good within is a good place to start. Second – it's important for children to know that we love and support them no matter what. They need to know that our love and approval are not based on great report cards or perfect paintings or clean rooms, but are freely given without conditions. Not withholding love or approval when they aren't pleasing us is a good place to start with this goal in mind.
To avoid the pitfalls of praise, practice simply stating what you observe and offering sincere appreciation, but more importantly, make sure each child knows that he or she is loved, valued, and accepted, no matter how good the job was.