Parenting very often feels like a balancing act. It can be tricky to find the sweet spot between permissive and authoritarian, that ideal place that many experts refer to as authoritative. In Parenting Styles: What They Are and Why They Matter, Kendra Cherry breaks down the difference between 4 parenting styles. Here is my summary.
Authoritarian
These parents highly value obedience. They have strict rules and expect absolute adherence. A toe across the boundary calls for swift punishment. While authoritarian parents love their children, control is valued above responsiveness. They don’t express a lot of warmth or nurturing, nor do they give children many choices. Authoritarian parents often have a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude, and their expectations are often higher than achievable. Children raised by authoritarian parents often learn to be obedient in an effort to obtain approval and love from their parents, but they are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem, depression, unhappiness, and anxiety.
Permissive
The opposite of authoritarian, permissive parents are often their children’s BFFs. They show lots of love, warmth, and nurturance, but they don’t have clear rules. There are little expectations or demands from permissive parents, and discipline is either non-existent or very inconsistent. Though children of permissive parents often have higher self-esteem than children of authoritarian parents, they are often overly indulged and become less self-disciplined than children raised under an authoritative style. These kids may also feel insecure because of the lack of boundaries and somewhat lost at sea without a captain to guide them.
Uninvolved
Not bothering to set rules or expectations and not being warm and responsive, uninvolved parents are generally detached. As you might expect, this has the worst outcome for children, leading to low self-esteem and a lack of self-control.
Authoritative
The parenting style associated with the best outcome, and also in line with Positive Parenting, authoritative parents set clear boundaries and provide consistent discipline (teaching) while also being highly responsive, warm, and nurturing. Children are expected to follow rules, be responsible, and exhibit proper behavior, but blind obedience is not expected. Being more democratic, these parents are big on communication, listening to their children and working together to find solutions to the problems that arise. Studies show this parenting style raises children who are happy, capable, and successful.
Tips on how to strike the perfect balance on page 2...
How to Strike the Balance
How to Strike the Balance
You’ve probably heard of Brene Brown, the shame researcher from the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She does more than study shame; she studies vulnerability, belonging, and connection. She is the author of several best-selling books, the most recent of which is Rising Strong, and she gave that famous TED Talk seen by millions. Her research has brought to light some really significant truths, one of which is that we are born for connection. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brown says this:
“Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”
Without that parent-child connection, children are often left feeling unlovable and unworthy of connection. This explains why children of authoritarian parents are less happy and have lower self-esteem. Family is about more than rules and consequences; it’s a place where you belong, a place where you are loved, valued, and known. There must be responsiveness, warmth, and tenderness not tied to behavior or achievement, but given without conditions because this is the most basic need of the human heart.
On the other hand, children also need an authority figure. Dr. Gordon Neufeld of The Neufeld Institute talks about "the attachment dance." He says that when two people are attached (in the right relationship), there is a caring alpha (the caretaker) and a dependent (one who is being taken care of). In adult relationships, such as marriage, this dynamic is constantly changing. The roles switch between the two partners, depending on the circumstances. When one needs to be taken care of, the other steps up as the caring alpha, and vice versa.
In the parent-child relationship, however, it should always be that the parent is the caring alpha and the child is the dependent. What we are seeing is more and more alpha children who have been given the lead because parents are going too far in the other direction and becoming permissive. It’s important to point out here that he describes the alpha role not as a dominant position seeking control but as a caring leader.
For children to truly thrive and reach their highest potential, they need both a strong connection (lots of love, responsiveness, and affection) and a caring leader (firm boundaries, rules, and expectations). Bridgett Miller, a Neufeld Institute facilitator and creator of Look with Love, says “Limits held firmly but gently provide children with opportunities for adaption, and with adaption comes resilience in time.”
Balancing Acts:
- Sit down together with your family and create a mission statement or code of conduct. This involves all voices in the family and makes clear your goals and expectations.
- Hold children accountable with consistent, gentle correction when conduct gets off balance. Time-in, problem-solving, and consequences that teach are kind and effective ways to maintain boundaries.
- Learn more about the alpha/dependent roles with Who’s In Charge by Deborah MacNamara and the alpha children course by The Neufeld Institute.
- Provide unconditional love, affection, and warmth. Learn your child’s love language and speak it fluently. Too much love doesn’t spoil.
Additional reading:
What’s Wrong with Strict Parenting?
Positive Parenting: Better Behavior Without Punishment Is Possible
Disconnected: The Trap of Conventional Parenting and How to Get Out of It