Strong-willed children have many wonderful qualities. They are fierce, determined, courageous, and spirited. At the same time, parenting a strong-willed child can lead to many power struggles. They can be emotionally intense and sensitive which can lead to more tantrums and meltdowns. All of this can be confusing or difficult to manage for their parents.
Using traditional discipline methods on strong-willed children will only fuel power struggles. These children are not easily manipulated or controlled. They challenge authority, so when you try to discipline with a “control over” approach, they will naturally challenge you, leading to fierce power struggles.
The first key is to understand your child’s behavior. Then we will look at three solutions for successfully parenting your strong-willed child.
Behavior provides a window into the child’s emotional world, and it gives us clues as to what the child is experiencing. We need to pause and listen. This is especially important in strong-willed or intense children because they get overwhelmed even more easily. When a child’s behavior is off track, it could be because her reason centers are being overwhelmed by emotion or stress. Again, this is particularly true in sensitive or intense children. Often we feel that their behavior is deliberate, but more often it’s that they can’t stop themselves. He may know, for example, that he shouldn’t run ahead in the parking lot, but he cannot stop himself from acting on his impulse to run.
This doesn’t mean we let it slide or give up, but rather that we step in and provide predictability, clear expectations, boundaries, and positive discipline to keep them safe while their brains are still developing. Elitcasino
Solution One - Predictability and Choices
Strong-willed children like to be in control, so providing a consistent routine or daily rhythm will help them feel more in control of their daily life. Give your child a voice as you establish house rules, and he’ll be more likely to follow those rules. Allowing your child to make lots of reasonable choices will also feel empowering to them. When strong-willed children are forced to submit to another person, they will become stubborn and uncooperative, but when we provide choices, they become less oppositional.
Solution Two- Loving Boundaries
In order to see improved behavior, it’s important to set loving boundaries. You want to convey to your child that you are not at odds; you’re a team. Tone and perspective are your two most important points, because they will determine how you approach your child and how your child accepts your instruction.
Start by explaining expectations, not in a warning tone that is projecting your mistrust but in a “heads up” tone. Demonstrate that you believe in him and you’re on his side. “We’re going on this nature walk and I know you get excited and it’s fun to run but I’m not comfortable with that because it’s not safe. I’ll give you a signal or sign to know you need to wait and let us catch up. If it doesn’t work, we will hold hands.” Don’t view holding hands as a punishment but as help and connection. “I love you too much to let you go running off.”
Boundaries and Spirit
Anytime we talk about strong-willed children, there’s always a concern about their free spirit. We love that our strong-willed kids are fierce and bold. We love that they are passionate, determined, persistent, and non-conforming. We don’t want to “break their spirit,” we just want to “tame it a little.” Unfortunately, this fear of breaking their spirit may lead to a failure to set appropriate boundaries, so we need to rethink how we look at boundaries. Boundaries are love. They are like the lines in the road that tells drivers where we can safely navigate. Without them, there’d be chaos and a lot more accidents and injuries. Boundaries keep us safe, so rather than viewing boundaries as spirit-breaking, we can see them spirit-saving. You are more likely to hurt a strong-willed child’s spirit by constantly calling her down or correcting her than you are to provide appropriate boundaries in the first place.
Solution Three - Positive Discipline
Punishments, threats, and lectures will only erode trust and trigger push-back. Instead, set yourself up for success first by strengthening your relationship through quality time, laughter, and play. A secure attachment with you will increase your influence. When an issue arises, problem-solve together to find a solution. Ask the following questions: What caused this to happen? How do you feel about this? What could you do differently next time? How are you going to fix this? When you help your child to understand what was driving their own behavior and to make a plan to do better, you’re empowering them to take responsibility for their own actions. Teach them the necessary regulation skills needed to manage their emotions and give them tools for better behavior. This is much more effective than losing an iPad. Solutions are better than punishments because children need to learn to fix their mistakes, not just pay for them.