It’s so frustrating when we have to tell our kids to do something multiple times. What often ends up happening is we get frustrated, raise our voice to deliver a threat, then the child becomes defiant, and the situation escalates. There is, of course, no surefire way to gain 100% cooperation as children are humans with fluctuating moods and emotions, but our language and approach can certainly help or hinder cooperation. 

When we bark orders, try to coerce our kids, or boss them around, we activate their counterwill instinct. Author Deborah MacNamara describes it like this: “Counterwill refers to the instinct to resist, counter, and oppose when feeling controlled or coerced. It isn’t a mistake or a flaw in human nature, and, like all instincts, serves an important function.” This instinct is beneficial when a child is being coerced by a stranger or controlled by a bully, but it’s frustrating when it comes to doing their chores!

There are a couple of ways around activating this instinct. The first is to develop and maintain a strong connection with your child. Dr. MacNamara says, “Children are designed to be directed by people they are attached to.” If there is a lack of attachment or connection, the child will be more resistant. Therefore one of the simplest ways to increase cooperation is to increase connection. Here are 10 ways to do that:

  1. Let go of distractions and give your undivided attention.
  2. Speak their love language.
  3. Show interest in their interests.
  4. Be an active listener.
  5. Play together.
  6. Take part in family traditions and rituals.
  7. Tell them stories from your childhood.
  8. Laugh together.
  9. Make family night a regular.
  10. Use positive, respectful discipline.

 

The second way to increase cooperation is by changing your language so that you do not sound coercive, bossy, or controlling. If your words or tone are threatening, you’re more likely to activate that instinct and shut down cooperation. However, by inviting cooperation, showing respect, and being a team player, you’re much more likely to see results. Here are 20 phrases to try instead of demands and threats. 

  1. Should we do it the same way or try a new way?
  2. I would appreciate your help with this. 
  3. I’m open to ideas.
  4. Would you like to ____ or _____?
  5. We need a solution for this. Can you think of one?
  6. I will tell you my perspective, then I’ll listen to yours.
  7. Thank you for…
  8. How about we take turns?
  9. Let’s try this a different way.
  10. Let’s split the work. I’ll do this and you do that.
  11. Can you show me your way?
  12. Would you like a hand?
  13. Let’s try teamworking this!
  14. When you ____, it helps me because _____.
  15. Let’s go for a do-over on this one.
  16. What’s the first step?
  17. Where would you like to begin?
  18. Let’s brainstorm ideas.
  19. It shows great responsibility when you ____. Thank you!
  20. Would you like to race/beat the timer?

Remember the golden rule: Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. Always run what you’re saying through the filter “how would I feel if someone spoke to me that way?” Very few people respond kindly to demands or disrespect because all humans have a desire to be treated with kindness, respect, and fairness. With a little patience and creativity, you can turn your child from defiant to cooperative. Just remember to stay connected because without that relationship in strong standing, cooperation is hard to come by.