As a working mom, I took great solace in a recent study that showed the amount of time parents spend with their kids between the ages of 3 to 11 has virtually no effect on how they turn out, behaviorally, emotionally and academically. It was quality time that mattered, not quantity time, even though how much quality time needed was not stated. Moreover, increased exposure to an overwhelmed and anxious parent seemed to make matters worse. Finally, the study showed that what did seem to make a difference in a child’s future was a mother’s education and parents’ socioeconomic level.

I don’t doubt these findings. But I’m also dubious that it paints the full picture. I’ll never forget the day when my child brought home a drawing from school. When asked what she liked most about mom, she said she liked that I was always next to her and drew a picture of us in close proximity.

I wasn’t always next to her though. She attended preschool since she was 2 years old. And when I had work to do at home, I never did it with her in the same room. But I did try to sit next to her while doing laundry or filing papers. I tried to sit next to her as often as I could even if I couldn’t give her my full attention. When I asked my then second grader to tell me why she liked that I was “always next to her”, she told me she could share things with me faster when I was.

When it comes to spending time with our kids, quality may trump quantity. Only thing is, increased quantity time often leads to enhanced quality time. Sure, you can schedule one-on-one time to sit across your child at Baskin Robbins, making laser-focused eye contact while your phone remains turned off for the next 30 minutes. But your child may or may not feel like divulging what’s truly on her mind exactly between 6:30pm to 7:00pm.

Timing when your child will need you most is as difficult as timing the stock market. Every good investor knows you need to spread your net wide over a long period of time and ride out those down periods in order to catch those ups. Parenting is similar this way: you can’t time when your child will be vulnerable or feel triumphant. Simple statistics dictates that the more quantity time you make, the more opportunities you’ll have for quality time. For one, quantity time builds trust because building any relationship takes time. And quantity time has a special way of telling your child she’s valued because time is the most valuable asset we have.

Creating more time to spend with your child, though, is no easy feat for the busy modern parent. Not to mention that more quantity time with a parent stretched so thin could be more harmful than beneficial. Notwithstanding the need for balance, the idea that quantity and quality time are mutually exclusive seems short-sighted. 

If there’s anything this quarantine has showed us, it’s that we can do surprisingly more remotely. And this may be an important turning point for many companies who may have once been reluctant to let employees work from home. Whether you will be allowed that flexibility or not, there are small efforts that can manifest big changes in how much exposure we have with our kids, and ultimately impact the quality of quality time we share with them. Here are at least five places to start.

  1. Work together. Now that kids are being homeschooled, work alongside your child doing something that doesn’t require your full concentration. This obviously depends on the age of your child, as it would be close to impossible to accomplish even the most menial tasks chasing a restless toddler. But if your child is old enough to do a page of homework, bring down your laundry and file receipts next to your child.
  2. Exercise together. A peaceful jog may be your solace, as it is for me. But you don’t have to exercise together with your child every day. Nor do you need to do your full work out with your child. You can split up your exercise routine and do a little running or play some basketball with them and finish the rest of your work out on your own. Not only would you be setting a good example for healthy living, but the stress-relieving outlet has a way of opening up the mind. Exercising together could open up some great opportunities for quality time.
  3. Do chores together. It’s true that their little hands will provide little actual help. In fact, their very presence and the millions of questions they may ask may hamper your progress. But it’s one of the best investments you could ever make. Compelling research shows that the single common thread linking successful people together was that they did chores growing up. So why not do some chores together? It may actually redfine quality time to mean that the little work you put in now will save you headache in the future.
  4. Eat together. Eating is something we all have to do. Even if we can sit down and have one shared meal together a day, engaged in each other’s body language and conversations, we’d be far ahead of the game by most parents’ standards. I know many parents who shuffle their kids afterschool from activity to activity and end up eating dinner in the car. Then perhaps it’s possible to slow down the mornings and break some bagels together before school starts. Don’t feel pressure to have a meaningful conversation either. Just try to enjoy each other’s company or simply listen to what your child may or may not have to say.
  5. Cook together. If only because kids are more prone to eat what they cook. So if your kids are adverse to eating vegetables like most kids, this may be a great way to inspire your child to try new foods. Plus, they’d be learning a life skill.