When your kids come to you and tell you they want to quit — whether it’s soccer, debate, guitar or ballet — it’s pretty disappointing. Let's face it. You think about all the time and money you and your children have invested in those activities. You’re proud of them and their accomplishments. Maybe you even entertained ideas of a future career path or scholarship opportunities for their extracurricular achievements.
I remember wanting to play the guitar when I was 11 years old. I thought it would look cool and that maybe I would end up on stage with a little practice. After spending many Saturdays window-shopping with my dad at music stores, he finally broke down and bought me a used guitar along with lessons.
I practiced until calluses formed on my fingertips, and my parents would listen appreciatively. After six months, I learned to play Otis Redding’s “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay,” but I also learned that I didn’t have as much passion or talent for the guitar as I thought I would. I told my dad I wanted to quit. I didn’t really have time for it anymore (because 11-year-old girls are very busy).
The reality, of course, was that I had tried playing guitar and realized that there were other things I enjoyed more, learned more quickly, and could become more passionate for through practice.
In other words, I tried to play the guitar and found out I wasn’t very good at it.
Did my dad know I wouldn’t be good at the guitar when he signed me up for lessons? No doubt he had some idea. I had also struggled with piano lessons, and the church choir teacher once told me it would be OK if I just mouthed the words instead of singing out loud.
But when I was growing up, my parents always looked for what interested my three siblings and me and what we were passionate about, however big or small. We knew that none of us needed to be like the others. We felt like our parents appreciated us for our uniqueness.
Appreciating Your Kids’ Natural Talents
People need to find what resonates with them. That might mean changing an activity, or it might mean sticking with one.
When I spoke with a man named William, he told me about his daughter Terry. She was a highly ranked high school swimmer who often placed in the top spot at swim meets. Her coaches predicted that in another year, she would break the school record and qualify for state.
One day, Terry told her father that she wanted to quit the swim team. William was shocked. He wondered why she might be feeling this way: Was she not getting along with the coach or her teammates? Was swimming taking time away from her new boyfriend? Were expectations of her potential too high? Was she simply burned out?
William didn’t want Terry to regret a quick decision. He knew that she felt a responsibility to her team and that she would be disappointed if she didn’t fully develop her swimming talents. He knew that she didn’t want to let her father, herself or the team down. So he asked her some questions and gave her some things to think about. But he let her make the decision. And it worked. Terry stayed on the swim team and broke the school record the following year.
Kids need to learn that even with talent, it takes practice to get really good at something. But if your children are not learning, engaged or improving at an activity, it might not get better. If they don’t have the talent and they don’t like the activity, quitting might be a good decision.
Talents are so innate and ever-present that you might not even realize you have them. And your talents are inseparable from your behaviors and perceptions of the world.
I also met a man named Matt during my research whose talents emerged when he was growing up on a farm in Iowa. He was in 4-H, and over the years, he participated in all of the clubs 4-H offered. After winning first-place ribbons at the state fair for almost every activity in a particular club, he would quit that club.
The adults in Matt’s life wanted him to stop jumping from activity to activity. But his father soon recognized that Matt loved to learn and felt a need to get started, work hard and win — then start something else. With his father’s support, Matt would find new projects he could start and complete successfully before moving on to the next thing. Matt grew up and became a serial entrepreneur, starting his first business from his dorm room when he was a freshman in college.
Kids need to be allowed to take ownership. They need to be able to explore and have experiences that help them discover what they do well and really enjoy.
They also need to be allowed to fail — or even quit — without the fear of shame or rejection for not meeting someone else’s expectations. Activities should be about their individual development, not about your preconceived notion of what they should do.
Determining whether or not to let your children quit depends on your family and your children. It takes some careful consideration to figure out what’s really going on.
Before they quit an activity, ask your kids some questions:
- Ask them why they want to quit. Are they backing out because they’re bored or because they don’t feel that they’re successful?
- Ask them what they want to do. What are their interests? Do they love art and creating? Do they love tinkering and figuring out how things work?
- Let them choose an alternative. If they want to quit violin, and music’s really important to you as a parent, would they try piano lessons instead?
- Find a compromise if there’s a commitment. Can they handle a few more practices and then make a decision?
- Determine if they’re overscheduled. Are you and your kids running ragged because of after-school and weekend activities? You might need to lighten the load and eliminate an activity.
- Let them see you enjoying activities and hobbies. Is there a softball or bowling league you belong to or can join? Do you want to take those guitar lessons you never got around to?
Letting your kids quit an activity isn’t necessarily a bad thing, despite the negative connotations. It might open up possibilities you didn’t consider for them, and it might lead to them discovering their passion.