Siblings fight. We’ve heard it so much that we accept it as fate, and so rather than proactively working to help siblings build a positive relationship, we resort to threats and consequences to make the fighting stop. What’s worse is that parents often fuel the rivalry they so desperately wish to end, and they don’t even realize they’re doing it. Let’s take a look at the most common parental behavior that forces siblings apart and how we can correct that behavior to put an end to the negative feelings that fuel rivalry.
From Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, a mother is describing her children to a neighbor saying “The little one is real gutsy, but the big one is afraid of his own shadow.” The children were standing there listening. This mother just made a common mistake that will set her kids on the paths to jealousy and resentment. She’s cast them into roles. There are lots of reasons why parents do this, such as attempting to bolster the child’s ego (this one is my star athlete), to bolstering our own (I hated being a shy kid and this one is popular and outgoing which makes me feel good), to projecting our weaknesses (my kid is a procrastinator because really so am I).
What ends up happening, of course, is that the star athlete feels a huge pressure to keep being the star in your eyes while the “lesser” siblings feel bad about their athletic shortcomings and resent the star, or the gutsy kid might get a confidence boost from his mother’s words or he may feel he can’t ever be weak or vulnerable, but what about the child who is afraid of his own shadow? What’s he to believe about himself? Remember that children believe our evaluations of them, and they will play the role we cast them into. The child who gets the privileged role feels pressure to maintain it, and the other children become “second rate.”
While it is true that children are born with certain natural abilities and personality traits, we need to be careful not to peg them so that they may grow and flourish in many areas and learn to play many roles. As Faber and Mazlish put it, “Children are born with different personality traits. But as parents we have the power to influence those traits, to give nature a helping hand. Let’s use our power wisely. Let’s not place our children in roles that will defeat them.” The authors say the key is freeing our children to change and helping them get unstuck from the roles that constrain them. Below are 4 ways to accomplish this.
- Treat your children not as they are but as you hope they become. This frees you to look at your children differently, to see the traits and behaviors that need to be affirmed and those that need to be strengthened. This requires first a shift in your own thinking and perspective. Rather than seeing your child’s aggression and pointing out the naughtiness of it, you can shift to see his capabilities of kindness and gentleness and affirm those qualities, drawing them out. Even when children are displaying their very worst behavior, it is better to affirm their positive qualities than it is to scold and punish them, because punishing them reaffirms the naughty role. When we see hope in them, they can see hope in themselves, and this helps them change and do better. (Read about becoming a light reflector here.) Here are some practice phrases adapted from Siblings Without Rivalry:
* Rather than “You’re being a bully, go to your room!” try “You know how to get what you want without using physical force.”
*Instead of “You’re naughty” try “You know how to be kind and I expect you to start right now.”
*Rather than “Poor baby, is your brother being mean to you again?” try “You can tell your brother ‘Daddy bought it for me, it’s mine!’”
*Instead of “Did you take your brother’s ball? Why are you so mean?” try “Your brother wants his ball back.” - Treat each child as a whole person. She’s more than an athlete. He’s more than a musician. She’s more than a “problem student.” He’s more than shy. She’s more than aggressive. He’s more than smart. Sometimes we set our focus on one blaring trait, and it becomes all we see. In doing so, we miss a lot of wonderful things about our kids, and because we miss them, they may miss them, too. Children are often so much more than we give them credit for. Always be on the lookout for positive traits and behaviors to affirm.
- Celebrate without fueling competition. In her book Peaceful Parent, Peaceful Siblings, Dr. Laura Markham says, “All children deserve to be celebrated. This can be tricky, though, since achievements of a sibling can be a hot button for children who aren’t feeling very good about themselves.” She says the solution is not to avoid celebrating your children but to make sure there’s enough celebration to go around. She states, “Kids actually like it when their sibling who worked hard is praised as long as they think they’ll also be praised for working hard.” Make celebration a part of your family culture by toasting each person’s achievements at dinner, expecting kids to go to each other’s performances and events, and getting everyone involved in birthday party planning.
Tend to your relationship with each individual child. Connection is the key to parenting, so it’s important to maintain a strong bond. Often, when we are viewing a child as “difficult” or “a problem,” we can let our connection slip. Likewise, when we have to focus so much of our time and attention on one child, our connection with his or her siblings can fail as well. Spending quality time with each child and speaking their love languages will go a long way in stopping rivalry in its tracks.