When it came to light that spanking was a harmful practice which caused increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health problems, many parents switched to using time-out to discipline their children. At the time, this seemed to be a step in the right direction. Many touted time-out as positive discipline, and it started to be recommended by pediatricians, counselors, and parenting “experts.” However, since it became popular, studies have been done to assess if it’s really helpful for correcting behavior and what the effects are on the developing child. It turns out that discipline tactics that use forced separation are emotionally and psychologically damaging to children. The reason is that these practices attack the most basic need of all children - attachment.  Paribahis

 

To understand the developmental science behind separation (and to find out how we can discipline in a way that doesn’t harm), I consulted a couple of esteemed authors who are experienced and knowledgeable in child development. Bridgett Miller is the author of What Young Children Need You to Know and an authorized facilitator at the Neufeld Institute. I asked her, “Why are separation-based techniques not ideal?” She replied, “Many people don’t realize that they [time-outs] can come at a cost to healthy emotional development. Separation-based techniques, like the popular approach “time out,” use what children care most about, against them. Knowing that a young child’s greatest need is to be physically close to their primary attachments, it makes sense that separating them from their parents may get some children to change their behaviour, some of the time.”

 

Bridgett told me that , when time-outs stop working, it’s because the child’s emotional system has been overworked and this knocks out their desire to connect with us. They, in a sense, have given up on connection and have shut down their feelings because it hurts too much. She says that this is the brain’s attempt to protect the child from feeling the unbearable intensity of physical and emotional separation. When we take away the physical closeness they require, we inadvertently push them away emotionally in the moments they most need to feel a secure heart connection.

When you look at time-outs from this viewpoint, it’s heartbreaking to think that we often use a child’s need for connection against them. As if that weren’t enough reason to stop using them, it turns out that it doesn’t even make sense developmentally. Dr. Deborah MacNamara, author of Rest, Play, Grow , on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and Director of Kids’ told me, “Young children can't think twice before acting, which is why consequences fail to alter future performances. It is not until the 5 to 7 shift in brain development occurs can they think twice.” 

 

Bridgett Miller concurs, saying, “The notion of sending a young child into what they experience as physical and emotional solitary confinement, is not only disturbing, it’s illogical. Young children do not go off and think about the error of their ways, nor do they consider what they could do differently next time. Not because they intentionally refuse to, but because their immature brains are non-integrated and they are not yet capable of reflecting on their undesirable behaviour, least of all when they are flooded by feelings of alarm because they have been sent away.”

 

So, emotionally it’s damaging and developmentally it’s useless. Not only that, but using love as a reward sets humans up for all sorts of mental issues later on. Connection is not a reward; it’s a lifeline. It isn’t something to dangle like a carrot in front of their noses, offering a sense of security, trust, and unwavering love only when they behave well and yanking it away when their behavior is off-track. Dr. MacNamara told me, “When parental love is used as a tool to shape behaviour a child is made to work for approval by meeting parental demands, negating any chance for true rest.”

If spanking is out, and time-outs are out, what tools do parents have left? What about the popular discipline technique that inspired 1-2-3 Magic? And how can parents effectively discipline their children?

In Part 2 of this piece, we will discuss how magical counting to three really is and what kind of discipline really works on the developing mind.

 

Sources:

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking