In part 1, I discussed why separation-based discipline tactics are not only emotionally harmful but also developmentally illogical. That may have left you wondering if another popular discipline technique, counting to 3, might be a better choice.
For the answer to this, I asked Bridgett Miller, “I was happy to see you address counting to 3 as a behavioral control technique in your book. Tell me how, developmentally, this technique also doesn’t make sense.”
She replied, “From an adult perspective this approach makes a lot of sense but that’s because we’re using an adult brain that’s able to understand the logic of consequences. This approach assumes that a young child has the maturity to consider the consequences of their actions and reflect on their wrongful ways in the moment. The fact is, they are not developmentally capable of doing either as their brain is not yet mature enough to do so. Making a choice is difficult at the best of times, and it’s almost impossible—even for adults—to make a choice under stress. Reflection requires brain integration and maturation and takes many years of conducive conditions to develop. Pusulabet
Scaring children into compliance with the threat of a time limit and looming consequences may result in a temporary halt in their undesirable behaviour, but it does not ensure they will learn what it is you hope they will from the experience. When we alarm children with 1-2-3 they may do what you want out of fear, that is, until the technique is overused and they stop responding because they no longer care about the consequences. For children to truly learn from us they need to be open to taking in what we want them to know because they care, but they can’t do this effectively when they are under duress or their caring feelings have been knocked out. Not understanding this leads many well-meaning parents to use disciplinary measures that work against what they are trying to do, which is to guide and to teach their child to do what is needed when no one is watching (or counting!) over them.”
Now let’s discuss some positive alternatives to separation-based discipline that work.
For very young children, ages 2-3, Dr. Tina Bryson, author of No Drama Discipline, recommends doing three things. First address the feeling with something like, “You’re feeling mad at your friend because he knocked over your blocks.” Then you address the behavior with, “You can’t push him down like that though. It hurts.” After that, you simply move on and get their attention on something more positive. Don’t give too much focus and attention to the negative behavior.
For preschoolers up to about age 6 or so, I recommend using time-in. During a time-in, you bring the child into a safe space. The first order of business is to get her brain regulated. If she’s crying or angry, she isn’t receptive to learning. Empathize with her feelings and use calming techniques such as deep breathing, coloring, sensory play, or reading a book. Once she is calm, discuss what she did wrong and what she could’ve done differently, and if she is able to make amends or fix her mistake, help her to do so. Keep it fairly brief and as positive as possible.
Another great option for elementary aged kids is to create a calm-down area. Rather than being forced to go sit in a chair for a set amount of time, the calm-down area is a positive and soothing place. The child can go alone if he wishes or the parent can sit with him. It should be an inviting area and can be stocked with books, crayons, paper, squishy balls, etc. The goal here is to teach the child emotional regulation skills. It is never used for punishment and there is no time limit.
Practicing better/positive behavior is yet another great alternative to sitting alone for 3 minutes. Let’s say your child was too rough with the family pet. Rather than sitting in time-out, use that time to show your child how to pet gently. Practice petting the pet softly and talking about how Fluffy has feelings too.
Finally, for older kids over the age of 7, problem-solving is a great skill to teach. Ask questions such as “what were you feeling when you did that,” “how did your actions affect others,” and “what are you going to do to fix this?” This not only strengthens the prefrontal cortex, the thinking area of the brain, but it also helps the child learn accountability without the shame. It lets her know that she can correct her mistakes and repair relationships if she’s willing to change her behavior.
Keep in mind that discipline means to teach. The goal is not to shame, blame, or punish but to help the child learn to control their own behavior. The best way to do that is not to trigger alarm by threatening separation or to withdraw your attention but instead to be their positive guide whom they know will always love them, no matter what. When children know in their hearts that nothing can separate them from our love, they can get the emotional rest they need to grow into their best selves.