Have you ever been stuck in a parenting rut? One where you’re using the same worn out tricks and punishments to try to get your kids to cooperate or behave and they’re just not working, but you don’t know what else to try? 

A little creativity can break you free and help you switch things up, and no, I’m not talking about creative new ways to punish your kids as I don’t believe that punishment is particularly helpful in creating lasting and positive change. (See Three Reasons to Stop Punishing Your Kids.) Rather, I’m talking about creative ways to discover and approach the real problem behind that behavior so you can truly reach your child’s heart and find a solution.

Creative Solution #1 - Problem solve WITH your child. 

The trouble is that we often see poor or unwanted behavior, jump to a conclusion as to why it’s happening, and impose some punishment to make it stop, and when we do that, we may miss some critical information. Behavior is communication, and we need to take the time to stop and listen to our children and what they are trying to tell us through their words as well as their actions. By sitting down with our kids for a heart to heart to discuss the issue and really hear them out, we offer them a great gift - understanding. Of course, this will be difficult to do if your relationship is already guarded, so you may have to work to soften the heart first by spending quality time playing or laughing with him/her. 

The goal is to help your child feel safe enough to open up, and this won’t happen if you’re threatening some sort of punishment. You want to help your child turn the behavior around rather than to just simply pay for wrongdoing. The bonus when you involve your child in finding a solution is that they’re also building their creativity muscles. This is much more beneficial to them long-term than spending time in a corner or having a phone taken away for a few days. 

Some questions that might help the dialogue along are:

  1. What are you feeling right now?
  2. What caused you to do what you did?
  3. What are you feeling right now?
  4. What happened because of your actions?
  5. What did you intend to happen?
  6. How can you fix this?
  7. What can you the next time you feel that way?

Creative Solution #2 - Offer a pen and pad.

If there is a long history of heated verbal exchanges, punishments, or if you have a sensitive child, offering a pen and pad can feel much less threatening than a face-to-face discussion. You may even consider starting a private journal for the two of you to discuss thoughts, feelings, and problems. Some kids who shut down in the face of confrontation will open up when left alone with a pen. 

Another benefit is that this may help you articulate the issue more clearly as well. Writing helps you to prioritize your fears and concerns and to better express them. When you don’t have your child in front of you interrupting, arguing back, or rolling his eyes, you can better express why his behavior is a problem. Giving him time to read it, collect his thoughts, and write back allows him to express himself more clearly too. This cuts down on miscommunication and helps you solve the problem more efficiently.

Encourage your child to write openly and honestly and reassure her that you’ll be fair and compassionate in your response. Remember, people shut down when they feel threatened and open up when they feel listened to and understood, so if you’re aiming for honest communication and long-term change, you have to remove the threat and soften your heart as well. This can be difficult when we are triggered and fearful! This brings me to creative solution number three.

Creative Solution #3 Evaluate your feelings and responses surrounding the problem.

I know this is hard to believe, but sometimes we blow things way out of proportion! The longer we focus on or dwell on a problem, the bigger it grows and the more emotions get stirred up. I invite you to take a step back and ask how much of the problem lies with you. Parents are only human, and we come to this gig with our own issues, buttons, triggers, and traumas. These can cloud our judgments, and we may need to reign in our own thoughts and reactions before we can address the situation with a rational brain. It is possible that your child’s behavior isn’t the problem so much as that the behavior is bringing up something from your past.

Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, says to overcome your emotional triggers, you should:

  1. Accept responsibility for your actions. She says when you seek to understand how you feel in the moment, you give yourself a chance to feel differently.
  2. Learn to recognize when you’re having an emotional reaction by feelings in the body. The sooner you feel this happening, the quicker you can address it which keeps it from escalating.
  3. Determine what is triggering the emotions. She says to ask yourself what do you think you lost or what did you not get that you expected to? It is helpful to identify the needs that you hold most dear because you’re likely to have the strongest reaction when you perceive one of these is not being met.
  4. Choose what you want to feel and what you want to do. This is a mindfulness practice that helps you redirect your thoughts and emotions. Choose to ask for what you need directly. “I need help with keeping things in order here. When you don’t do your part, I feel overwhelmed.” 
  5. Shift your emotional state by breathing deeply, relaxing your body, and focusing your attention on a keyword that represents how you want to feel in the moment.