This is part 2 in my 5-part series of the most troublesome behaviors parents lose their cool over. Last time, I discussed the fifth behavior on the list, back talk. Today, I will cover the fourth most bothersome behavior, tantrums.
Our perception of tantrums, not the tantrums themselves, is really what pushes our buttons. We perceive them as defiance, manipulation, or bratty behavior. The truth is that tantrums , particularly in young children - are simply a child's way of expressing emotions that have become too difficult to handle. Children don't like having tantrums anymore than we like seeing them. If we can change our perception of tantrums from defiance to a call for help, we can approach this behavior in a way that is both helpful to the child and strengthening to the parent-child relationship.
A little research into child development uncovers that children lack self control due to an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotion and social behavior. What happens is that your child feels a strong emotion, such as frustration or anger or sadness, and, not knowing what to do with this strong emotion, her brain goes into panic mode known as fight, flight, or freeze. We've all had this happen.
Have you ever been so upset that you yelled or slammed a door? If it's difficult for adults to control their emotions all the time, imagine how much harder it must be for children who are still learning and developing.
Related Article: Handling Tantrums
Conventional advice is to ignore the child during a tantrum, but this really sends the message that we aren't there for them when they're upset, or worse, that we only accept them and want them around when they show feelings we like. No one wants to be ignored when they feel distressed. We are social beings wired to connect, so connect with the tantruming child. Hold her in your arms while she offloads all those negative emotions.
If you're worried this will "reward" the tantrum, think about a time you were extremely upset and a partner or friend empathized with your upset or held you while you cried. Did it make you want to feel upset again? Of course not. No one likes to feel out of control. Empathizing with children during a tantrum is not rewarding behavior; it's meeting a need, the need for connection and understanding. As a bonus, when we are calm and help them to become calm during these emotional storms, they learn better how to calm themselves.
While it is critical to support your child through a tantrum, it's important not to change your position if that is what triggered the outpouring of emotion. Giving in to her desires will teach the child that your limits are negotiable. Hold the limit while showing empathy for your child's feelings.
Concerning older children whose prefrontal cortices are developed (though not fully mature, this happens around age 4), it is still important to empathize while holding your limit as this sends the message "I hear you, and you matter." The simple act of not giving in to the demands prompting the tantrum will soon teach the child that behavior won't work to get what he wants.
If a school aged child tantrums in a way that is aggressive " hitting, kicking, or throwing things " this is a clue that the child needs emotions coaching, not punishment. During the tantrum, ensure everyone's safety. That may mean putting distance between the aggressive child and other family members.
You might say, "I see you are very angry. I won't let you hit. Take some time to calm down in your cool down zone."
Once the storm has passed, address the aggressive behaviors. Explain that his feelings are acceptable but his actions are not. Teach him how to manage his frustration and anger with techniques such as deep breathing, counting, going for a walk, or clapping to release energy. Punishing children for tantrums won't help them learn how to manage them. Until we give children better tools to deal with tough emotions, we can't expect them to do better.
Here are the other posts in the "Top 5 Behaviors That Cause Parents to Lose Their Cool" Series: