To understand why connection is the parenting key, we must first understand a bit about the brain. For a simple explanation, let's talk in terms of the downstairs brain and the upstairs brain. The downstairs brain, fully functioning at birth, is the primitive part of the brain. This controls the body's vital functions such as breathing, temperature, heart rate, and balance. This is where our survival center is, where fear and overwhelm send us to fight, flight, freeze, or faint. When we are out of control, our downstairs brain takes over.
The upstairs brain is the thinking brain. This is where logic and reasoning occur. This is also where empathy and compassion reside. This part of the brain is very underdeveloped at birth, and we parents actually have a major role at how the upstairs brain develops. The more calm and connected we are, the better the neural wiring in their upstairs brain.
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Here's how it works: When your child is really upset, the downstairs brain has control and she can't access her upstairs brain. She's being reactive, not receptive. Being receptive, taking in the lessons she's being taught and internalizing them, involves logic and reasoning. That isn't happening when she's stressed out, only when she's calm. This is why making children feel ashamed, rejected, or furious when we discipline has the opposite effect we're hoping for. We literally hijack their ability to reflect on their actions and think through to a solution because they're in their downstairs brain.
When we meet their turbulence with calmness (which requires us to be accessing our own upstairs brains!) we can help them reflect and make better choices. The best way to calm her down is to connect with her. In the book No-Drama Discipline by Tina Payne Bryson, PH.D. and Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., it says this - “When they feel our love and acceptance, when they 'feel felt' by us, even when they know we don't like their actions (or they don't like ours), they can begin to regain control and allow their upstairs brain to engage again. When that happens, effective discipline can actually take place.”
When this happens repetitively – she's upset, you meet her with calmness and help her calm herself – this pathway gets strengthened in her brain, and this becomes her pattern. She learns to calm down before she reacts. On the other hand, if you meet her downstairs brain with your downstairs brain, both of you angry and shouting, then that's unfortunately the pathway that gets strengthened, and this will become her pattern.
This obviously sets you up for years of frustration and disconnection, and this is a pattern she will carry on into future relationships, and eventually with her own children if she doesn't learn how to rewire her brain, which is much more difficult to do as we get older, though still possible.
The truth is children want to please the parents they feel deeply connected to. They more readily listen, cooperate, and take advice from a connected, warm, and loving parent. Connection helps them feel secure, valued, and understood. It is the foundation of good emotional health. In my upcoming article, Connection-Based Discipline, I'll discuss why connecting with a misbehaving child doesn't spoil him and how to discipline your child with connection in mind.