Providing constructive criticism to kids is hard. Perhaps you can relate to the challenges I face as a parent. My oldest is a traditional firstborn: a rule-follower and perfectionist who takes negative feedback like a gut punch in the stomach. In fact, she is so hard on herself that I often find it excruciatingly painful to provide any feedback that isn’t positive. My second and youngest is a feisty, naturally confident strong-willed child who often cuts my feedback short by telling me, “I already know this, mom.”
Hurdles like this coupled with my maternal instincts to want to see my children happy, make it very tempting to forego constructive criticism altogether and heap praise on them instead. It’s much more pleasant, after all, to see my kids smile than pout.
But praise is a cheap dopamine shot at best – the same kind of dopamine we experience when we receive social media likes. They are short-lived, and like any cheap drug, we build a tolerance to the chemical boost. To achieve the same high, we will need double the likes, double the compliments.
Truth is, no matter what your child’s personality profile is, nobody enjoys constructive criticism. “The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism,” says Norman Vincent Peal, in his book, The Power of Positive Thinking. Learning to accept criticism takes practice. I’m sure you know a few grownups, perhaps at work or even in your family, who have never learned to take constructive criticism. They make any form of honest communication difficult. But if you can teach your kid how to channel improvement feedback (I prefer this term to negative feedback) in a healthy and productive way, he will be way ahead of the game of life. Here are five reasons why constructive feedback can behoove your child in ways that praise could never.
1. Constructive feedback prevents complacency. Feedback that isn’t personal and points you towards improvement moves you to act. In this way, constructive criticism can motivate and nip complacency in the bud. The most successful and innovative companies never rest on their laurels but are constantly asking how they can do things better. That’s because they don’t rest on prior achievement to validate their worth.
The reverse, then, is also true: excessive praise weakens motivation. Excessive compliments take away from our original motivation of simply enjoying an activity because the dopamine shot I previously referred to is quite compelling. Our impressionable egos begin to pursue an activity purely for the sake of praise. Enough time spent receiving this praise means we become enslaved to it. And soon, without the expectation of praise, our motivation can begin to dwindle.
2. Constructive criticism can build foundational confidence. A confident child isn’t one who is impervious to criticism, but one who values the benefit of constructive feedback over the sting of criticism. When a child learns to channel the feedback in a healthy and positive way, he will naturally see improvement. This can lead to confidence more foundational than praise because it’s something that can be controlled. Imagine being told that your musical performance was amazing and to keep up the good job, versus being told that in order to improve your musical performance, you need to keep on tempo, something the use of a metronome can assist with. With some practice, your musical tempo becomes more consistent. This improvement will not only help your child play the song better, but he will now associate constructive criticism as pivotal for improvement.
3. Constructive criticism can buffer against social rejection. If your child grows up in a home where constructive criticism is few and far between, he will have a hard time hearing constructive criticism outside the home, from peers, teachers, coaches, bosses and perhaps even a spouse. Real life won’t shelter your child from criticism so the best place perhaps to learn how to take criticism is in the safety of a child’s home with parents who have his best interest at heart. Learning to accept constructive criticism will make your child more resilient to peer criticisms and even social rejection.
4. Someone who knows how to take criticism is better at providing it. Once an individual understands the value of criticism, he will be better poised to provide it. There seems to be a lack of truth-telling in the world today. Giving someone honest feedback is a lot harder than flattery, after all. Someone who appreciates criticism will also understand the value of providing honest, constructive feedback with empathy.
5. Constructive criticism provides self-awareness. The term self-awareness is a misnomer because there is no way to achieve awareness by yourself. We are too close to ourselves to have the depth perception to see if we are becoming too calloused, too cavalier, too careless. Everyone needs well-intentioned people to tell us the truth. Self-awareness is the first step to setting goals. If you’re self-aware enough to know your strengths and weaknesses, you’ll know which goals you need to set and the strategies that will help you achieve them. Self-awareness is also critical to recognizing the problems that you create for yourself and finding strategies to fix them. And finally, developing a consciousness of your own actions and feelings will help you develop healthier relationships.