Starting a new school can be scary, and what I’m going to say next is not that it doesn’t have to be. All significant change is intimidating for a child. Remember kids crave routine. Even if change doesn’t happen directly in your child’s life but happens to your child, those external changes can have profound effects on a child’s life as well.

When my oldest daughter’s best friend switched schools, she moped around for weeks and refused to play with anyone else. Meanwhile, her best friend visited the nurse’s office three times in two weeks and finally made the admission that she didn’t want to be in class because she had no friends. They reluctantly went to school wearing each other’s pictures in lock necklaces we made them. Her mom and I exchanged stories via text message through tears. We lived five miles apart. Melodramatic? Depends on the kid.

My youngest daughter was sad too when her best friend moved to China. But only for a day. I barely flinched because she barely flinched.

The effects of significant change vary from child to child and from move to move. The empowering part and constant in this equation is there’s actually a lot parents can do to make the change in their child’s life become a defining and empowering moment. Here are 10 ways to help our child have a successful transition to their new school or circumstance.

  1. Deal with guilt. Maybe you had to uproot for work or because of financial circumstances. It’s easy to feel guilty but your best is good enough. Besides, guilt makes you want to run from situations so holding onto it will only lessen your ability to confront challenges with your child.
  2. Acknowledge your child’s plight. Sometimes our best parental intentions to protect our kids end with belittling statements like, “You’ll be fine. Try not to think about it.” Parents often think that if we don’t give attention to our kids’ fears, they won’t either. Not true. Repressing fears don’t make them go away. Acknowledge that what your child is facing or will face is a legitimate challenge. Then reassure him he is not alone and that bravery is acting in spite of fear.
  3. Be patient. You might find kids are withdrawn, more sensitive, not doing as well in school, being uncooperative,” says Suzy Martyn, founder of Mother's Friend. This may prove very frustrating. But try to remember this will pass with time. Make the appropriate allowances for this transition period and have realistic expectations.
  4. Embrace the challenge. Now onto the fun part. Give your child his due attention, then continue on with life. Don’t let the insurmountable amount of boxes keep your family withdrawn and cooped up. Take a stroll down your new neighborhood, find good eateries, scope out the park, and keep doing the activities you and your child always loved to do inside and outside the home.
  5. Excite them about school. Find out what you can about the school and the activities they offer. Maybe your child’s new school has a stellar journalism program or chess club. If they don’t, perhaps it’s time to create one. Peruse the school website for fun facts, a list of classes, extracurricular and sports activities.
  6. Tour the new school. “Include your kids in the process,” suggests Debbie Glasser, Ph.D and founder of the legacy site newsforparents.org, who moved three children to a new state. Attend the school orientation together or arrange for a tour. You may even try getting your child accustomed to the new school schedule. Locate the bathrooms, cafeteria and auditorium. Talk with the guidance counselor. Helping your child familiarize himself to the new school may alleviate some of his fears on his first day of school.
  7. Encourage your child to join an organization. Telling your child not to be nervous will only get him more focused on his anxiety. Instead divert his attention. Delving into an activity that consumes your child’s interest will help take the focus off of making new friends, which is the best and most natural way to make friends anyway.
  8. Parental involvement is key. Time and time again, research shows that parent involvement at school is critical to a child’s success. Just merely seeing mom or dad around school will make a child feel less alone. To get plugged in with the new school, contact the principal and other school leaders and introduce yourself. Getting to know other parents will likely get your child invited to play dates and other events, especially if your child is young. Look for opportunities for your child to meet his classmates over the summer.
  9. Stick to a routine. If seismic changes have your child feeling unmoored, knowing what’s expected at home can provide a soothing anchor.
  10. Keep in touch with old friends. Maybe old friends don’t seem like they will be of much use to your child’s new life. It may even seem tempting to rip off the old band-aid and cut all ties. But consider the long-term affects. Maintaining friendships will teach your child that a move or change is not synonymous with the end of a friendship and will help your child have a healthier outlook on future life changes.