Positive discipline is fairly straightforward when parenting toddlers and preschoolers, but the ground feels a little shakier when you’re disciplining a pre-teen. When children are little, positive parents focus on helping children learn about emotions and manage them through using time-ins, calming corners, and peace tables, but what happens when kids outgrow the calming corner? How can you positively discipline a pre-teen who deliberately breaks the rules or exhibits poor behavior?

Grounding seems to be the traditional discipline of choice for this age group. Parents often also send kids to their room, a big-kid version of time-out. However, neither of these options are in line with the principles of positive parenting as both are forms of punishment, and to be frank, losing a day of electronic privileges isn’t likely to improve a child’s attitude or abilities. If anything, these tactics further frustrate children, causing yet more behavioral problems to arise.

If your pre-teen is frequently defiant for has a negative attitude toward you, this is a red flag that your relationship is in trouble. Children who feel a positive bond with their parent are typically respectful and cooperative, and your only hope of influence as your child moves through these and the teen years is a strong, positive relationship.

To develop or strengthen a positive relationship:

• Spend quality time with your child each day to listen and connect.
• Make rules simple and fair. If your child feels you have a lot of overly strict rules, he’ll feel like you aren’t on his side. However, do stick with the rules that are important to you and explain why they are important.
• Show her that you value her opinions and voice. Give choices when appropriate and engage in lots of delightful conversation which, in today’s always-plugged-in world isn’t as easy to do with a pre-teen as it seems!
• Peers are important to your child at this age. Invite their friends over and get to know them. Not only will you get a better sense of who your child is hanging out with at school (being influenced by) but caring about their friends feels a lot like caring about them.
• Be respectful. Home should be a safe haven. Avoid criticism, yelling, and teasing. Even playful teasing can be hurtful to a sensitive child. Children are at risk of being bullied at school and online more than ever before. Home should be a no-bullying zone.
• Laugh and have fun. A lot! Play games, dance, and be lighthearted. The more fun you are to be around, the more your child will listen to you! Honest!