Don’t trivialize. Sometimes kids have big feelings over seemingly little things, and it can be easy to brush those off as nonsense, but again it’s about making relationship deposits. Put yourself in those little shoes and try to see from his perspective. When kids know we can handle their big feelings, they’ll come to us with them. On the other hand, if their big feelings cause us to have big feelings or make them feel ashamed or on guard for having them, they’ll stuff them down or take them elsewhere.
Provide the right environment. Questions like “how was school” or “who did you play with at recess” are likely to draw one word answers. It can be so frustrating and alarming to feel like you’re being shut out! But rather than trying to drag it out of them, just provide the right environment for safe conversation. The right environment is one of connection, warmth, and unconditional positive regard. If kids fear they’ll lose our attention or affection if they share difficult truths with us, then we lose.
Be available. I often hear about how teens and tweens open up best in the quiet still of the night. I know by the end of the day, we are so done, but being available those few extra minutes just might mean the world to your kid, and to your relationship.
Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of multiple books including Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of two boys.
