The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because of simple physics. There is a gravity at work. When it comes to parenting, it’s not enough to tell our children to be different from us, to live more productive, enriching, fulfilling lives, while we live out very different ones. It’s much more effective to lead by example.

Why is it that domestic violence plays out in such a vicious cycle? The very kids who hated watching their own mothers abused are twice as likely to become abusers themselves. Or consider a much less extreme situation.

My mom has always lived a very selfless life. My whole life, I watched her put everyone’s needs above her own. On occasion she used to tell me to not be like her and take better care of myself. But as a mother of two daughters, I see myself neglecting my needs just as she did her own.

Self-care is something I realize I need to be better about. But to be honest, it doesn’t come natural for me. To be different than my mom requires rewiring and unlearning decades of learned behavior. But taking good care of myself is something I strive to achieve, in part because I want to teach my daughters different. The reality, for better or worse, is that we end up mirroring our parents in more ways than we may like, and our kids will mirror us too.