While it’s our job to hold them accountable, motivate and teach them, we really can’t force them to do much of anything, even in the short term. We might be able to shove vegetables in their mouths, but we can’t make them swallow it. We might be able to place a pencil in their hand, but we can’t force them to care about their homework or try their best. We can lay them down in their cribs or beds, but we can’t make them take a nap. Veiled threats and yelling might garner some mileage with most kids, but they are mostly ineffective parenting tactics with strong-willed children who will refuse to comply for the sake of complying. So we might not be able to make a strong-willed child do things we want them to, but they can be persuaded, which brings us to our next point.
2. Build the relationship first. The number one fear that parents have when it comes to strong-willed children is that they will grow up to be unruly and rebellious adolescents. But strong will alone doesn’t lead to rebellion. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. And the way to getting the relationship back with your child, even a 5-year-old, says Tobias, is communicating authority that shows respect.
So take the emotion out of the reprimand. Don’t condescend. Don’t yell. Dispassionately lay down their choices. When they won’t comply, try and find out why. I realize this is inconvenient when you are rushed and trying to get somewhere, but consider a simple scenario like putting on a child’s seatbelt on.
“You need to put your seatbelt on now so we can go,” you might say. If your strong-willed child responds no, calmly ask him why not. Nine times out of 10 he will always have a reason.
“The seatbelt’s too tight,” he might respond.
“I’ll loosen it then we’ll get going okay?” would be a much better response that shows you respect how your child feels and what he needs.
And that word “okay” at the end is a magic word, says Tobias, because it not only shows you respect what he may need and what, but it implicitly indicates to a child that he has a choice. Strong-willed children need to know they always have a choice, and they will go to great lengths to prove to you that they do, even if that choice is to suffer extreme circumstances.
The key thing to remember is that strong-willed children don’t have a problem with authority. They have a problem with dictatorship. They understand authority is necessary, but they won’t comply unless they are treated with respect and the reason resonates with their own moral compass.
3. Hold them accountable. So what if you’ve laid out very good reasons for why your child needs to wear his seatbelt, tried to meet him halfway and he still won’t comply? You need to hold your child accountable. You can’t make your strong-willed child obey. But you can teach him boundaries by showing him what happens when they step outside those lines.
If he refuses to clean his room, for instance, he needs to endure the consequences, whether it’s not being able to play with toys, watch TV or have dessert. While they won’t respect a dictator, they’ll also walk all over a weak leader. So holding your strong-willed child accountable, sticking to your word, and not making veiled threats is absolutely imperative. Through repetition and constructive reprimand, you can teach your child that not listening to reasonable demands will always lead to unfavorable consequences. He gets to choose.
The key to raising a strong-willed child is walking a fine line between calm, cool and collected parenting, while putting your foot down and holding your child accountable when he steps outside those boundaries. What helps parents with this balancing act while juggling life is understanding that it’s not your job to make them comply. It’s only our job to hold them accountable, and maintain that relationship with your child by speaking to them with respect. And while all children, strong-willed or not, will test boundaries from time to time, don’t be surprised when a child who’s been shown respect and empathy, begins to respect your wishes and goes from a defiant “No,” to an “Okay, Mommy” or “Okay, Daddy.”
