During my years as administrator of a popular Positive Parenting page on Facebook, Iāve seen quite a few myths swirling about the public regarding positive parents. In this new series, Debunking Myths about Positive Parenting, Iāll be addressing such myths as:
- Positive parents just want to be friends with their children
- Positive parents donāt discipline
- Positive parents reward tantrums and misbehavior
- Positive parents are helicopter parents
- Positive parents are permissive parents
As a positive parent for 9 years now, I want to discuss this idea that I just want to be my childrenās friend. While it is true that friendship is an aspect of the positive parent/child relationship (and an important one), the idea that I only want to be buddies is completely
Let me be clear about what kind of friend I am NOT:
1. Iām not the kind of friend who lets them make poor choices while I sit idly by or even, gasp, join in.
It seems that the thought of a parent being a childās friend conjures up images of a parent who gives no rules, no boundaries, and no discipline. These āfriendsā turn away when their children misbehave because correcting the child would cause ill feelings which might jeopardize the friendship.
At worst, these āfriendsā may even join their children for a night of partying and poor decisions to strengthen the friendship bond. How is this the definition of a friend? I hope my friends would care enough about me to step in if they saw me heading down a destructive path, and boundaries are a part of all healthy relationships.
2. Iām not the kind of friend who inappropriately confides in my children or dumps all of my emotional baggage on them.
Another āfriendā concern that Iāve heard about is that of over-sharing our adult problems. While I believe in being authentic with my children, I donāt think it would be mature of me to dump my issues, worries, problems, and fears on their heads, and I think all positive parents would agree. I know how to save that for my grown-up friends and not burden my children with things they shouldnāt have to carry.
Related Article:Ā Discipline Through Play
3. Iām not the kind of friend who bubble-wraps them and protects them from all failure and struggle.Ā
Iāll discuss this more in a future post about helicoptering, but again, this is really not my idea of friendship. I want friends who encourage me to reach for the stars and listen compassionately when I fall. It can certainly be uncomfortable to see children fail at something that was important to them. My gut says to protect them, but I know that failure is a part of life. I donāt always protect them from the fall; I just provide a soft landing.
Let me be clear about what kind of friend I AM:
1. I am the kind of friend who listens.
When they tell me about their Lego creation (again), I make a point to be engaged and actively listening. I listen when they tell me stories or when they share fears. I listen to dreams and Batman storylines. I know if I listen now, theyāll still want to talk to me later. Iām a friend they can trust.
2. I am the kind of friend who respects.
We are not equal in age and maturity, but we are equal in humanity. Iāll treat my children with fairness and integrity. Iāll respect their dignity and their spirits.
3. Iām the kind of friend who accepts.
I will not accept all of their behaviors, but I always accept them. They donāt have to win my love. They can never lose it. I accept their flaws and imperfections because I have them, too. I see their beauty, goodness, and worth. Always.
Iām not just a friend.
My relationship with my children transcends beautifully beyond the boundaries of friendship. I am their teacher and guide, and that means Iām in a position of authority, yet I know that without a connected relationship, a deep trust and respect for one another, I can have no real authority.
This aspect of friendship is one beautiful thread in the tapestry of our parent/child relationship. Donāt try to unravel it by pulling just the one thread. There is so much more. I am so much more. My children will have many friends throughout their lives, but they will only ever have one mother. Our relationship is entirely unique, and Iām proud to say that friendship is a part of it.
Up next in this series is a startling and completely untrue myth! Read on for this one debunked!Ā Myth #2:Ā Positive Parents Donāt Discipline
