In my first book, Positive Parenting, I wrote about an experience I had in 2010. I said, “During the times I have struggled most in my parenting, an honest look has always revealed that I was the one off course, and my children were simply following their leader.”
I noticed at that time that whenever my patience had been thin or my words unkind, it was nearly always reflected back to me in the behavior of my children.
In the book, I recalled one particularly trying time when both of my children were being “difficult.” I couldn’t understand why they were behaving so poorly until one night, after I’d gotten them both to sleep, I stared at my two-year-old’s sweet face and had an epiphany.
During this stressful season of my life, I realized I hadn’t exactly been my highest and best self. Of course, my children were picking up and reflecting that stress back to me.
It occurred to me that I couldn’t expect them to be better if I didn’t also expect myself to be better. That realization began a deep dive into self-improvement that never had an end.
There’s an ugly side of self-improvement, and it’s shame. Self-improvement too often goes hand in hand with self-rejection or even self-loathing. That’s when our transformational practices become problematic.
If we are motivated to improve ourselves by shame, what we’re really doing is striving for self-worth and a lessening of the guilt that batters us daily.
For example, many parents have set a “goal” to spend less time on their phones and be more present with their kids. That is a great goal, but what’s the root?
For many, it’s not really about being present with their kids. It’s about lessening the guilt they feel for being on their phones too much.
Where does that guilt come from? Oftentimes, the goal isn’t even what we set out to achieve. The real goal is the emotional relief that comes from thinking more positive thoughts about ourselves while we are working toward that “goal.”
When we’re actively working toward self-improvement, we are usually a little kinder to ourselves mentally. So, for that window of time in which we are “bettering ourselves,” we can give ourselves a little break, and that feels good.
But it’s temporary. At some point, because no one is a perfect human being, we will slip. Then the shame gremlins in our heads will double down.
Shame researcher Brené Brown says, “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
The phrase “hustle for worthiness” hit me hard. I believe that in the decade since I began my journey to improve myself as a mother—and in the decades before that, when I was always trying to improve myself in some area—I’ve really just been hustling for worthiness.
I’ve been desperate to prove to myself that I’m okay, that I’m good enough, and that I’m lovable.
That’s where the trap is. No matter how far I’ve come, there’s always further to go.
Fixed the yelling habit? I could definitely spend more quality time with my children.
Spending tons of quality time together? Great, but I still feel unworthy. I think I could certainly improve my communication skills.
What I’m finally just now realizing is that no amount of hustle will fix shame, guilt, or low self-esteem.
In her podcast, UFYB 124: Self-Improvement Shame, coach Kara Loewentheil talks about the important difference between self-improvement and self-growth. She says, “There’s a big difference between growth and improvement as concepts...Growth means change, evolution, learning. It doesn’t make you a better person. It doesn’t mean you’re improved. You didn’t go from a C to an A. There is no rating...There’s inherent judgment in the concept of improvement.”
So, that leaves this question - How do we grow and reach our goals without the judgement and shame? The answer is self-compassion. According to The National Institute for Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM), there are 5 key steps for transforming shame with self-compassion.
- Understand that shame is normal and is the brain’s way of dealing with the threat of disconnection.
- Label shame for what it is: An emotion. Giving it a name helps you get some distance between you and the emotion.
- Replace judgement with curiosity. Try to be curious about your emotions rather than judgmental of them. This can help you shift into a more caring and understanding perspective.
- Acknowledge your inner critic. Meet it with compassion and remind yourself that you are okay as you are and doing the best you can.
- Practice what is helpful, not harmful. Try to speak to yourself as you would a friend. Offer yourself constructive correction rather than shaming self attacks.
I’m reminded of a quote by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, parent educator and founder of The Neufeld Institute. “All growth emanates from a place of rest.” He’s speaking here of how children will experience better physical, mental, and emotional growth when they are not striving for our love and attention. The same is true for adults, I believe. We will best grow into our highest and best selves not through difficult striving and running from shame but through resting in self-love and acceptance. Until we change the beliefs that we hold about ourselves, we can’t become better, and only when we learn to love ourselves do we realize that we were good enough all along. When I rest in love, I can grow.